Prelude
by aMUSEment345
Summary: Explores what happened behind the scenes that resulted in JJ and Reid becoming best friends. 'Prelude' to the Soundings series. T for case references only.
1. Chapter 1

_**A.N. So, this one came about because I was watching a rerun of "Plain Sight", which is where Reid has that birthday cake with the candles that can't be blown out. The same episode where he asks JJ to the football game. It looked to me like a homemade cake, and I was wondering what would have moved JJ to decide to make it for him. From there, it became the 'Prelude' to the Soundings series.  
**_

_**The story will interlace with canon, but not follow it strictly. It will focus mainly on JJ and Reid, but include all team members. And it will end where 'Her Voice' begins, after the rift between JJ and Reid that began season 7.**_

**Prelude  
**

**Chapter 1**

_He's so young. He makes me feel old, and I've only got two years on him. What is it? His face, yes. He looks about twelve. I don't think he's even got facial hair yet._

_Speaking of….his hair. When did that look go out of style? And his clothes! My grandfather wore clothes like that! And with a much better fit. He's so skinny, it looks like he's swimming in his pants. I don't think I've ever seen a belt cinched that tight. But, I'll bet, if he didn't, his pants would fall right off. His corduroy pants. I don't think they even sell them anymore. Except at thrift shops._

_Aha, that's it! He looks like a thrift shop model! Or like my grandfather, posing as a thrift shop model._

JJ was sitting in her liaison's office and watching the newest member of the BAU team. Tragically, the team was being reconstituted after the loss of six FBI agents, including two from the BAU, in an unsub-devised explosion in Boston. This particular agent had been hand-picked and cultivated by Jason Gideon, the current guru of the team. He'd been in the pipeline for a while, stalled by an inability to get through the physical and weaponry aspects of training. Rumor was, an exception had been made for the young man. As Gideon had said in his preparatory remarks to the team, _this_ member's primary weapon would be his intellect.

"_A genius," Gideon said. IQ of 187. Eidetic memory. Stupid me, I had to look up 'eidetic'. And I looked in the 'I's first! I probably won't even be able to understand him. I'll just feel stupid if he talks to me. Maybe I can just text. After all, he's supposed to read twenty thousand words a minute. _

Aaron Hotchner walked by on his way to the round table room and signaled JJ that it was time to start.

_Oh, well. Can't avoid it forever. _She picked up the case folders that she would soon distribute to the team and followed him. While Gideon was ostensibly still the unit leader, everyone knew that Hotch was now in charge. Gideon just hadn't been the same since Boston. And, even before that, he'd been starting to unravel.

As its members gradually assembled in the conference room, Hotch took stock of them, one by one.

Morgan. Traumatized by having missed the mission in Boston, almost as much as he would have been if he'd made it there. The African-American profiler had been on his annual leave to Chicago, to celebrate his mother's birthday. Hotch knew he'd been cursing himself for not having been at his teammates' side in Massachusetts. Explosives were one of his specialties. Perhaps he would have been able to detect the risk. But Hotch knew that it wasn't the detection of explosives that had gone wrong. It was the profile. And the knowledge of that fact was what had so derailed Gideon.

Elle. On loan from the Human Trafficking unit, specializing in crimes of sexual assault. Hotch knew Elle was anxious about joining the BAU permanently. But she came with a history. She'd been aggressive with suspects in the past, seeming to personalize her anger about their purported crimes. There were red flags in her folder. She brought expertise to the unit, but she would bear watching.

Spencer Reid. The newest 'member' of the team, although Hotch still had trouble absorbing the fact that this….teenager, to look at him….was now an official part of the FBI's esteemed Behavioral Analysis Unit. Such was the influence of Jason Gideon.

He watched as their unit liaison, Jennifer Jareau, entered the room, carrying a case folder for each of the others. Here was confidence, and competence. JJ was very good at what she did, and she knew it.

"We've got a woman missing in Seattle. After three bodies …"

* * *

To Seattle and back, and the days had gone by in a flash. As had the day and a half since the rest of the team had returned. But now they were on their way back out and JJ was holed up once again with Garcia. The two women had formed an unlikely friendship during their BAU-based vigils for the team. The events in Boston had forged their bond in the literal fire of the building that had consumed so many of their colleagues.

"Not that I wouldn't miss you, Jayje….but they really need to take you with them. I think they could use you in the field, don't you?"

The current case was already sensational. Fires on a college campus, killing students. All the major news media had picked it up quickly.

"I don't know, Pen. It never came up with Gideon. I used to assume he just thought I could manage it from here, but…."

"But you figured out he never even thought about you at all." Garcia respected Gideon's work, but she had a much harder time with his personality. "But Hotch is different. He'll see it. You should get a go bag ready, because I'm pretty sure he'll be bringing you along on the next case."

JJ considered her friend's statement. _She might be right._ The change in team dynamics during Gideon's post-traumatic leave had been a good one, she thought. Aaron Hotchner was far less hierarchical and much more collegial. He just might do as Garcia predicted.

Penelope wasn't done with her subject. She'd felt the change in the team dynamic as well, even though she serviced _several_ teams with her technological prowess.

"Hotch seems…..serious…..but he's more approachable than Gideon, isn't he? At least…"

"At least to women," JJ finished. They'd both noticed it. Gideon barely spoke to any of the women within the BAU, and he only conversed with female law enforcement when the case demanded it.

"Except for victims. He talks to them…..but it's almost as though he's detached, as though he's studying them, you know?" JJ had seen it on a few occasions when the case had been local enough for her to take part. "It's not like he seems to really care…"

"You don't think he does?" Gideon had the reputation of having gone against protocol for the sake of a victim now and then.

"I don't know. I'm probably just going all 'Psych 101', but it just feels like he does it for how it makes _him_ feel. That it's not really about _them_ at all." JJ shook herself and laughed. "Don't mind me. I'm not supposed to be psychoanalyzing my boss. It's just that it's hard to get to know him."

"Exactly. He seems to do a little better with Hotch and Morgan, doesn't he? But the only one he seems to _really_ care about is his little protégé that he brought back with him."

"You mean Reid."

"Yeah. I heard Gideon had to get him a waiver on most of the graduation check-off for the Academy. He's supposed to be a genius, and you know how 'all intellectual' Gideon is…so he fought for him. But he is kind of a cutie, isn't he? In a lost puppy sort of way, I mean."

JJ laughed. The analogy had occurred to her as well.

"He is. And he idolizes Gideon. But…." JJ had seen something in the dynamic that troubled her.

"But?"

"But I can't help worrying that Gideon will turn on him someday. That he'll kick his little puppy in the teeth. And Reid won't even see it coming. He won't know enough to get himself ready, or to get out of the way."

* * *

When the rest of the team returned from Arizona, JJ thought she picked up a new lift in Reid's step. And he actually made proactive eye contact with her a few times. It was a pretty remarkable change, and she mentioned it to Elle.

"He seems perky, doesn't he?" She tilted her head in the direction of the coffee bay, where Reid was refilling his cup.

"You mean from something besides all that caffeine?" His affinity for the dark liquid was already becoming legendary among his teammates.

JJ chuckled. "He just seems….different. Energized. A little more confident, maybe. Is he settling into things in the field?"

Elle looked back and forth between JJ and Reid. She was too new to the team herself to have gotten to know the blonde liaison well. She couldn't quite read whether JJ's interest was purely professional, or not. But she saw the same thing JJ did, and thought she knew why.

"Too soon to tell. He's still pretty skittish, still looking to Gideon for direction. But that paid off for him this time. Gideon gave him some advice, and he followed it…and figured out the unsub's compulsion. It was enough for us to break the case."

The team in the field had communicated mostly with Garcia this time, so this was the first JJ was hearing of Reid's prominent role in the process.

"Ah. That explains it." She smiled, happy for him. "Nothing like success to breed confidence."

Elle flashed her a look. "Nothing like it."

Later, as he was packing up for the day, JJ passed him as she came down from her office on her way to the elevators. They were the only two left in the bullpen.

"Hey."

He whipped his head around, and blushed when he realized she was talking to him. "Hi, JJ."

"You walking out?"

"Out? Oh, yeah." He dropped two books that he'd been trying to stuff into his bag, flustered. JJ bent to pick one up and handed

it to him, which flustered him even more. He dropped it again.

She tried to make a joke of it. "I think you're going to have to limit yourself to eleven cups of coffee a day, Spence."

"Actually, any caffeine level over 600 milligrams a day can cause tremors. There are 95 milligrams in an eight ounce cup of coffee, but most coffee shops up the concentration, so we can assume there are about 120 milligrams in eight ounces. But I usually get a 12 ounce cup on my way in, which would make it 180 milligrams. So I'd only need four to five more cups to get tremulous. So cutting back to eleven wouldn't really have any effect."

It was the only time he was fluent around her, when he was reciting some random, obscure factoid and riffing on it. Any attempt at normal conversation, any small talk, anything remotely personal, was met with stuttering, or mumbling…..or transformed into another occasion for rambling on yet another random, obscure factoid.

When he did it with his other teammates, it became a cause of annoyance and, sometimes, teasing. And he was usually defenseless before it. He couldn't understand the context of a joke, or gentle ribbing, and usually became embarrassed that he'd done something wrong. And that would immediately silence him.

JJ felt sorry for him. He was, as Garcia had said, like a little lost puppy. He didn't know his surroundings, and he struggled to understand people and their behaviors. He certainly seemed lost with anything that approached popular culture. As young as she was herself, JJ found a maternal instinct rising within. He needed protection, and encouragement. She would do her best to provide both.

"Oh. Okay, then, forget about the coffee."

She helped him put the rest of the things in his bag and then linked her arm with his as she led them toward the elevator. She could feel him stiffen under her grasp, but decided not to release him. He was just going to have to get used to it. If she was going to help him, he was going to have to let her, whether he knew it or not.

"I just wanted to tell you that I heard what you did in Arizona, how you figured it out. It sounds like you helped save those kids' lives, Spence."

"Oh. Really? You think so?" His blush had deepened, and his fingers were anxiously tapping against the strap of his bag. They rode the entire trip down in the elevator in silence, and entered the parking lot the same way. As she turned in the direction of her car, JJ said, "Have a good night, Spence."

He still had trouble getting it out. "Thanks. You too."

She started away, but turned back when she heard him call her name. He was still standing in the same spot, watching her. "JJ? Thanks."


	2. Chapter 2

**Prelude **

**Chapter 2**

'_Spence'. _

_Not 'Spencer', nor 'Reid', like the others. She calls me 'Spence._'

He was sitting in his favorite reading chair, suffering an increasingly less rare lapse in concentration.

He'd never had a nickname before. Literally. To his mother, he was always 'Spencer'. That was how he'd been introduced to every teacher, and what he was called by anyone who bothered to utter his name all through school. And his father had called him 'Spencer' as well, until he'd stopped calling him anything at all.

He'd not known what to make of it the first time JJ had done it. _Does it mean she likes me? Is it affectionate? Or is it that she can't be bothered saying my full name?_ But, really, she'd been nothing but nice to him. _It has to be a good thing. Right?_

And she'd complimented him on his contribution in Arizona. It had been the first time he'd felt like he'd actually been a useful part of the team, and it had thrilled him_. It wasn't just about what I know, or how fast I can absorb new material. I had to think. Gideon was right. He told me to think out of the box, and I did. And it worked!_

He'd had to put the pieces together in a way that was foreign to him. And he'd loved it. When you had a brain as powerful as Reid's, it was hard to find ways to stretch it, to offer it the challenge it craved. But this had done it. This noticing of intricate detail, and assuming the mindset of someone struggling with an obsession. _I think it could be dangerous to do that on a regular basis, but it sure is an interesting exercise. _

Gideon wasn't the only one who'd congratulated him on it. Hotch had said "Good work, Reid." And even Morgan had given him a pat on the back. "You just might work out after all, Kid." A literally backhanded compliment but, coming from Morgan, a major breakthrough. The senior profiler usually just seemed annoyed by Reid, and especially so when the young genius tried to share some of his prolific knowledge. _He always thinks I'm trying to show him up. He doesn't see that it's all I've been able to offer….until now._

Morgan's size, and his ability to be intimidating, combined with his obvious annoyance, had all put Reid's self-preservation antennae on high alert. This was what every bully he'd ever met had looked like, just before he met their fists, or the soles of their feet. If not for the fact that they were teammates, Reid would have avoided Morgan at all costs. Now, he saw, maybe there was the possibility of winning him over. _Or maybe I just need to realize that someone can dislike me without feeling the need to beat me up._

Apparently, someone on the team had thought enough of his contribution in Arizona to comment on it to JJ and Garcia. _How else would she have known?_ He found himself getting a little fluffed with pride at JJ's admiration of his work. He decided to close his book and bring that final thought with him to his dreams tonight.

* * *

"Madame Penelope sees all, knows all." She was celebrating the fact that she'd been right. The team was about to head to Florida for a case involving the delivery of bombs to seemingly innocent citizens. It was sensational, and had garnered wide news coverage already, including with the foreign press. This time, Hotch wanted JJ in the field with them.

"Yeah, well, let's just hope it goes well. Otherwise, I'm sure Gideon will see to it that it's my first and last time on the jet."

"You'll be great. Remember, Madame Penelope knows." She tapped her temple. "Go get 'em, Girl. Knock 'em dead."

JJ gave her a raised brow look.

"What? Oh, right. Somebody else is already doing that. Well, you know what I mean."

JJ relented with a laugh. "I know what you mean. Thanks, Garcia."

* * *

JJ had never been on the jet before, and wasn't sure if there was a protocol about who sat where. So she planned to be the last to board, and would let the others find their places first. But Reid interfered with that plan.

"Ladies first." He was standing behind her on the tarmac.

"Oh, that's all right, Spence."

Even though he'd started the conversation, he was now blushing deeply at the fact that she'd spoken to him. But he held his ground. "My mother always told me that chivalry was a lost art. Ladies first."

_It wouldn't hurt to confess to Spence, would it?_ He was the least intimidating member of the traveling team.

"It's just that I don't know where I'm supposed to go. You know, where I'm supposed to sit. Is there a usual arrangement?"

He was surprised. JJ always looked so confident. And here she was, expressing her uncertainty. _And to me. _Glad to be the one offering assurance for a change, he responded. "There's no assigned seating. We all just kind of gather in the middle so we can discuss the case. If one of us needs to be on the phone…and that's usually Hotch….we just move away a little."

_Whew!_ "So maybe I should sit on the end. I'm sure I'll be talking to Florida about how we'll handle the media."

"Good idea."

He just stood there, waiting, until she remembered.

"Oh, right, ladies first. Thanks, Spence."

* * *

The case threw them an eerie implication. The bombs being sent contained signature ingredients. The signature of the man responsible for the bombing in Boston, the one where Gideon had lost most of his team.

That bomber, Adrian Bale, was now in a federal prison, but his copycat was killing people in Florida. They needed to interview Bale to get a better sense of how their new unsub might be thinking and, most importantly, how to disarm the bombs. But Bale knew he held the cards now. He would have some fun with this. He would speak only with Jason Gideon.

When the demand came, all eyes turned in the senior FBI man's direction. He was staring forward, but, Reid knew, looking inward. What he saw when he did, only Gideon could know. The young profiler looked to Hotch for _his _reaction, confident that the putative unit chief would know what to do.

"You don't need to do this, Jason. We'll find another way."

Gideon continued to stare for a long moment before responding.

"There is no other way. Innocent people are being targeted. I can't let it go on. Tell them I'm on my way."

He got up and strode quickly from the room.

The others looked around at one another, concerned. JJ's eyes settled on Reid.

He looked so lost. His eyes had followed Gideon out of the room, wide, worried, troubled. JJ felt herself drawn to him. Her natural inclination, and her time as the unit's liaison, working with so many families in crisis, pushed her to try to comfort him in some way. JJ walked over to Reid.

"You're worried about him," she observed.

He panicked. He was used to conducting most of his team business, and his conversation, through Gideon. And now his teammate seemed to want to talk to him _about_ Gideon. And it was _JJ_. And she was _beautiful._ And she was _talking to him_. There was a reason he always reacted around her. In Reid's past, such conversations with beautiful females had only led to humiliation.

And besides, he felt protective of Gideon. His mentor had been through much in his life. He'd told Spencer that, if you got to be his age, there was no chance you wouldn't have lived through a lot of things. But, Reid knew, one of those things….the thing in Boston….was recent, and unprecedented, and devastating. He felt like he needed to protect his mentor from idle conjecture, even if it came from the beautiful Jennifer Jareau.

"What? No, I'm not worried about him. Why would I be worried about him?" It took a look from JJ for Reid to realize that he'd over-answered.

"It's all right to care, Spence."

It annoyed him, this trait that he knew he possessed. But he got snarky and defensive whenever he felt uncertain, or challenged. And, beauty or not, it surfaced now.

"I know it's all right to care. I'm just saying that there's nothing wrong with him. You don't need to worry about him." _I will._

JJ studied her colleague for a moment, considering her response. If the comment had come from Elle, she might have cut her some slack. She was new and, virtually auditioning to be on the team. If it had been Morgan, or even Hotch, she'd have parried the remark. But with Reid, it would have felt like slapping a child. She couldn't bring herself to argue the point with him.

"I'm just saying that it would be understandable. He's been through something very difficult lately….and you're very close to him. It would be perfectly understandable that you'd be worried. It doesn't mean that I doubt him, Spence. It just means that I would get it if you cared."

Oops. This encounter with a beautiful woman wasn't going a whole lot better than the prior ones had, but in a totally different way._ Maybe I'm just meant to be alone. Or to find someone who's as weird as I am._

"Oh. Okay, thanks." He spun on his heel and walked off quickly, before he would have to engage in full out conversation with her.

JJ just followed him with her eyes. Inexplicably, she was finding a soft spot in her heart for this awkward young man, who cared so much, and was so afraid to show it.

* * *

The case had clearly taken its toll on Gideon, but it had ended favorably. They'd been able to save the final potential victim only because Gideon had correctly read the Boston bomber, and known not to trust his instructions on disarming the bomb.

Reid had been holding his breath, both virtually and literally, and praying to a God he didn't believe in, that his mentor would have success in this particular profile. He hoped it would bring back some of the confidence lost in Boston. As they walked on the tarmac toward the plane, Reid started to babble his excitement to Gideon, feeling almost as though a celebration was in order.…and was abruptly shut down.

"Innocent people died here, Spencer. And a maniac bred another one just like him. Keep that in mind the next time you want to have a party after a case."

JJ had been walking a few feet abreast of them, and heard Gideon's remark. She knew it came from the man's frustration at being manipulated by the man who'd taken most of his former team. But she also saw the effect it had on Reid. The younger man physically flinched at the barb that had been aimed at him.

Once they were in the air, she made a point of finding him in the rear of the plane, where he'd removed himself from the others. She took the seat across from him, and waited for him to look up at her. By the time he did, a blush was creeping up his neck.

"I notice you haven't turned a page for the past 30 seconds. Aren't you supposed to be able to read ten thousand words a minute?" JJ knew a bit about behavior too. She'd purposely gotten the number wrong, hoping to provoke an answer.

He made brief eye contact, then looked toward the window.

"Twenty." He'd mumbled it.

"What did you say?"

"Twenty. I read twenty thousand words a minute."

JJ's brows went up, and then she gave him a look of incredulity. "Twenty thousand…how do you do that? How do you process it enough to remember it?"

He launched into what proved to be a lengthy treatise on the process of speed reading, that ended with, "But that's not what I do."

JJ just looked at him, bemused. "Spence, you just gave me a mini-module on speed reading….and now you're telling me it's not what you do? Why did you bother?"

He looked confused. "Well, you asked, and I thought you might be interested."

She had to study him to decide if he was kidding her or not, coming down on the side of 'not'. _He really just loves knowledge, and thinks the rest of us do, too. Which, I guess, we should. But, still…_

She decided she'd better get to the point before he found another seminar topic.

"I just came by to tell you not to pay too much attention to Gideon. Well, not exactly that, that's not what I meant. It's just that I heard what he said to you on the way to the jet. And I know you were just happy that things turned out better for him this time. He'll figure that out, too. He's just angry that he had to deal with Bale again, that's all. He'll appreciate that you're happy for him."

The blush had deepened. Reid was embarrassed, both by having been chastised by Gideon, and by the fact that she'd overheard. The snarkiness threatened to emerge again, but he battled it back down.

"I wasn't thinking, I guess. I should have known. I should have understood." He shook his head, still staring out the window. "I'm just not good at this stuff."

She didn't know why that brought a smile, but it did. "What 'stuff'?"

He waved his hand in the direction of the others. "People. Talking. Understanding feelings. I'm not good at it."

She made a face at him now. "You're not good at people?"

He wished he could totally fold in upon himself and blend in with the leather of the seat. He couldn't very well run away from her on the jet. He'd have to find a way to the other end of this conversation if it killed him. And he truly believed it might.

"Spence?" She saw his dilemma, but didn't understand the depth of it. JJ reached across and touched his knee. She felt the flinch immediately. "Spence? What did you mean, you're not good at people?"

When it finally came out, it was a virtual explosion of speech. "I meant, I'm not good at reading feelings, or expressions. I have a wealth of knowledge in my head, and it's always been good enough to get me ahead…in school, even in the FBI. But it's never helped me with people. I only know how to talk about facts, I don't know anything about feelings."

JJ had been bent forward, trying without success to engage him in eye contact. Even without it, she could see the expression on his face. He'd not intended to let it out like that. Never intended to admit it to anyone. She watched him shake his head, disgusted with himself.

JJ sat up and leaned back against the headrest, sensing his need for more distance, and giving it to him. His gaze was cast out the window, where he snuck an occasional glance at her reflection. She sat, watching him, a sad smile slowly emerging on her face.

"I don't know about that, Spence. I think you know a lot about feelings." She cast _her_ eyes out the window now too, catching his in the reflection. He didn't look away this time. It felt safer, somehow, meeting in the ether eight miles high.

Knowing she had his attention, she continued. "You were worried about Gideon because you knew how much he'd been hurt by Boston, and you knew meeting with Bale would bring it all back. And you were happy for him when this case turned out better, and you thought he'd be happy too." _And he would have been, if he wasn't Gideon._

"But I was wrong. I completely didn't understand it. That's what I mean. I mean, the rest of you seemed to understand. Why do I always get it wrong?"

No blushing now. His mind wasn't on JJ's beauty or the fact that she was speaking to him. Here was someone who might be able to _help_ him understand, and he so desperately wanted that. Reid was earnestly listening for her response now.

JJ felt the connection between them change. She leaned forward again, drawing him to meet her.

"You didn't get it wrong, Spence. Gideon did." She saw a look of protest cross his face, as she had just humanized his idol. She needed to clarify. "He made a mistake, Spence. Understandably. He's still upset about Boston, and this hit too close to home. But he shouldn't have lashed out at you. That was wrong. And _you_ shouldn't be ashamed that you care. You do, right? You care about Gideon."

He looked away again. This time, JJ noticed that his gaze, and his mind, were many miles, and maybe years, away.

"Spence?"

He swallowed. "Gideon saved me."


	3. Chapter 3

**Prelude**

**Chapter 3**

"Gideon saved you? When?"

_How does she do that? How does she get me to say things like that? _

He felt trapped by his own admission. He'd been trying to find a way to get beyond this conversation. He'd even been mentally trying to get the plane to fly faster, so they could land. But somehow she'd penetrated. And now he was in precisely the situation he'd been so assiduously trying to avoid.

Reid felt like he was in another dimension. Here was a beautiful woman, treating him with kindness, seemingly interested in what he had to say. Even, seemingly, interested in what he was feeling. Interested in _him_. It was a completely foreign experience. And he didn't trust it. JJ may have looked innocuous, but Reid couldn't allow himself to believe that she actually was. He'd been hurt too badly, and too often. His defenses fell back into place, and he clammed up.

"Spence?"

JJ watched the fascinating transformation taking place before her. The eyes became filmed over, deadened.

"Spence? What did you mean when you said…"

"I didn't mean anything, all right? Do you mind, JJ? I'd like to get some reading done."

She felt like she'd been slapped. Here, she'd been trying to reach out to him, to acknowledge that he'd been hurt by his mentor….and he'd lashed out at her. JJ's first, natural reaction was to recoil, and put up her own shield. _Well, if that's how you feel about it….you can just stew. I didn't need to come and talk to you, and I'm certainly not going to stay and be abused. _

But she was too skilled at reading people. She'd come too close to home for Reid, she could sense it. He wasn't used to sharing. In fact, she couldn't remember him ever sharing anything that didn't have to do with facts, or statistics. _He's afraid. But why doesn't he trust me?_ _More to the point, why do I care?_

She rose and, with a "Sorry I bothered you. I'll let you read," she moved back toward the center of the cabin and took a seat. Before anyone could strike up a conversation with her, JJ closed her eyes, seeking the solitude of feigned sleep. She needed to puzzle this through. Reid was unlike anyone she'd ever known. And, for some reason, she couldn't leave him to wallow in his own misery.

She'd always been popular. Not particularly outgoing, but friendly, supportive, the kind of girl most of the others in school felt they could talk to. But also beautiful, smart and athletic. She might have come perilously close to becoming a 'mean girl', if not for the loss of her sister. That one, devastating, childhood event had made her incapable of turning a deaf ear to anyone in need. It was, she'd often thought, why being a liaison to traumatized victims and families had seemed such a natural step for her. And it was why she couldn't leave her colleague standing outside the circle of their BAU team.

_I think I'm going to have to make you my personal project, Spencer Reid._

* * *

_You idiot. She was only trying to be nice to you. And you practically threw it in her face. I wouldn't be surprised if she never spoke to you again. Why should she?_

The man in Reid's mirror was disgusted with what he saw.

_Why do you always make such a mess of things? You are exactly the screw up they all say you are._

Reid tried to stare down his own image, but gave up. He couldn't look at himself anymore.

_You thought it would be different here. You thought you could start over, wipe the slate clean. No one would know you. No one would know how awkward you are. You could be someone different. But you can't, can you? You are who you are. You always will be. Live with it._

Reid lay down on his bed, not even trying to sleep. It felt like he'd made a fatal mistake. Like he'd had this one chance to turn things around….and he'd blown it. Again. But there _was_ something different about this time. Every other night like this, he'd been kept awake thinking about how much _he'd _been hurt. But not this time. This time, what was keeping him awake was guilt. This time, he lost sleep worrying about how much _he_ might have hurt _her_. He wouldn't realize it for a long time to come. But someone had finally been able to draw him out of himself.

_Jennifer Jareau._

* * *

JJ brought her coffee into Garcia's lair for some girl talk before the morning meeting.

"So, Morgan did great analyzing that bomb, Pen. If he hadn't figured it out, I don't think the case would have ended as well as it did."

Morgan had remained behind with Garcia to work on deciphering what the construction of the bomb could tell them about the unsub. With the tech analyst's help, he'd correctly identified the connection with the Boston bomber.

"That's my Mocha Man. I could tell it was getting to him, the connection with Boston, so thank God he was able to make a contribution to resolving things." She twirled in her chair to face JJ. "What about Gideon? Did it affect him?"

The question brought JJ back to the tarmac and then to the conversation with Reid on the plane.

"It did. Not that he would say…..but you know how he gets. I thought he was going to bite Reid's head off just because Spence was happy for him that the case worked out."

"Oh, no….not our gentle genius! Poor Reid." Even Garcia knew how much he idolized Gideon. And she knew from personal experience how cutting Gideon could be.

"Yes, our gentle genius. And then _he_ turned around and tried to bite _my_ head off for trying to cheer him up."

"Sounds like a fun trip. Are you sorry you went?"

JJ had to think for a minute. "No. No, of course not. But I didn't understand why Spence was so angry with me for trying to be nice to him. He started to talk to me, and then he completely shut me down."

"He _is_ a little hard to get to know. But…."

Garcia flattened her lips, trying to decide. But it was JJ. Of course she could tell her.

"Okay, just….. don't let this slip, but….I may have looked into his personnel folder….a little."

"Penelope!"

"All right, well…..if you don't want to know…."

The two of them just looked at each other for a full ten seconds before JJ caved.

"Oh, all right. What did you find out?" If Reid was going to be her special project, she had to do proper research….right?

Garcia smiled a conspiratorial grin at her good friend as her fingers flew on the keyboard.

"Okay. Here we are. There's not all that much. His name, his date of birth…which is…."

JJ was looking over her shoulder. "Tomorrow! He'll be twenty-four tomorrow. Hmmm…"

Garcia was continuing. "His parents…..looks like different addresses, they must be divorced…his college…..and another one….and another….. Looks like a long list of publications, all from college. And then his FBI Academy transcript. Which looks like…oh, wow, how did they ever let him graduate?!"

"By exception. Even Spence admits it. He's almost proud, I think, that he got through it at all."

"Well, thank God they don't make technical analysts go through it, or I wouldn't be here. I'm with Reid on that."

"What else is there, Pen?" Thinking about Reid's statement, '_Gideon saved me'_.

"Not much. On a timeline, it looks like he was born and raised in Vegas, then went to Cal Tech in…..oh, my God. He was only like….._twelve_…when he went to Cal Tech. Twelve, and in college! And then he moved around for his doctorates. But I can't tell what got him into the FBI. Just that Gideon was his 'FBI contact'."

"But it doesn't say anything about how they met? Or how Gideon found him?"

"Nothing."

"What about prior employment? He had to pay all those tuitions somehow."

"Ah, you know, Jayje. When they're that smart, the schools will pay _them_ to attend. And no, I don't see any prior employment on here. It's like he just hatched from a university."

"Twenty four years ago tomorrow."

Garcia looked up to see the smile on JJ's face. "Twenty four years ago tomorrow. Why do I think there's going to be a celebration?"

* * *

It was late afternoon, and she was buried in files. So much evil out there, so many cases begging for attention. Despite the beginnings of a headache, JJ was determined to plow through everything on her desk before leaving for the day. She was so completely focused on the task at hand that she barely heard the gentle knock on her office door until it was repeated a third time.

She looked up to see Reid's head extending into her doorway, the rest of him obviously out in the hall.

"Spence, hi."

"Hello." He hadn't changed position, apparently waiting for an invitation.

"What can I do for you?"

"Um…."

She couldn't help but remember being dismissed yesterday. But she also remembered his obvious discomfort. JJ relented.

"Would you like to come in?"

"Uh, okay, sure." He moved so that his entire body was in her office….but just barely. JJ recognized the position. He was making sure he could bolt, if he needed to.

"I won't bite, Spence. You can come all the way in. Was there something you wanted?"

The blush had been there even before she looked up at him. Now he was turning almost a deep purple.

"Uh…I…..well…I…..I'm sorry."

She took it in, took _him_ in. "You're sorry?"

Apparently he was going to have to spell it out. "For snapping at you yesterday. I'm sorry. You were trying to be nice, and I wasn't gracious. I'm sorry."

He'd been stewing about it all day. He knew he should apologize, but….it was such an alien position for him to be in. He was usually the injured party, and most of those who'd injured him hadn't bothered to apologize. But last night's conversation with himself had proven fruitful. He couldn't keep moving on to new frontiers, hoping to leave the awkward relationships behind. At some point he had to make a stand, and try to make the relationships work. _And it may as well be here, and now_. So, he'd concluded, he had no choice. He would have to apologize to the beautiful and unapproachable Jennifer Jareau.

Except that she _was_ approachable. Always. _Now._ He'd knocked, and she'd invited him in. He had to do it . He had to apologize. And then….it was behind him. He'd done it. He'd gotten the words out. And she hadn't looked angry. Hadn't laughed. He waited now, for her response, hoping she couldn't see that he was cringing inside.

"Not a problem, Spence. It was a long day for all of us. And you were obviously trying to go off by yourself to read. I shouldn't have intruded."

It was out before he had a chance to check it. "Yes, you should have. You were trying to be nice to me. And I should have thanked you for it instead of giving you a hard time." _'You should have'? Really, Spencer? _

JJ was becoming skilled at reading her colleague's face. _It's not very hard, he wears everything on it._

"You're welcome." She smiled at him, and a word flashed into his mind…._sunshine_.

Her smile brought his. And an overwhelming sense of relief threatened to turn his legs to jelly. He leaned on the doorjamb to hold himself up.

"Thanks. I guess I'd better be going now. Are you walking out?"

Amazed at the words coming out of his mouth, considering how befuddled he'd gotten when she'd said the same to him a few days ago. Then disappointed at her answer.

She waved at her desk. "I've got to get through these before I leave, Spence. But you have a good night, okay?"

He almost offered to read them for her. It would only have taken him a few minutes. But he didn't want to imply that he could do her work better than she could. _Especially since I couldn't. Faster maybe, but not better. _

Instead, he simply responded, "Okay." Then he turned, awkwardly, to leave.

"Good night, Spence. Sweet dreams."

_Indeed._

* * *

He might have forgotten, if not for the card. He'd placed it right next to the coffeemaker after culling it from the prior day's mail. He hadn't even needed to look at the return address. His mother's shaky scrawl was as good as a trademark.

He opened it, knowing exactly what to expect. And he wasn't disappointed.

'_Dearest Spencer,_

_Twenty four years ago today was the happiest day of my life. My son was born, and I became a mother. It is the most worthy calling for any woman. You are my mark on the world, and I am so very proud of you. Thank you, Spencer._

_With all my Love,_

_Your Mother'_

She wrote virtually the same thing every year. But Reid knew the secret. She didn't write it in October. Not unless that was when the clarity hit. Dr. Norman had told him during one of his visits.

"There are a few times a year when she's clear…_really_ clear. And we always know when those days are, because the first thing she does is to demand to go to the gift shop, to select a card for her son. She writes it that very day, and then hands it to me. I'm to mail it three days before your birthday."

The psychiatrist had smiled, thinking Reid would be happy to hear that his mother's first thoughts upon emerging from her schizophrenic fog were of him. Reid _had_ found the idea comforting. But he'd been distressed over the other implication. That she knew. That she realized her plight. That she knew she had to make the most of her lucid moments because they were so preciously fleeting. That, in those lucid moments, she had time to dread the return to the nightmare. In Reid's mind, the words 'courage' and 'mother' had become synonymous.

He smiled as he put the card on display on his kitchen table. "Thanks, Mom." He would call Bennington after work, and thank her again.

Twenty four years. Almost a quarter of a century. _Sounds old when I say it like that. And sometimes, I feel old_. But sometimes….

He remembered his exchange with JJ yesterday afternoon. His eidetic memory allowed him to relive the moment in detail. Of course, it also allowed him to relive the moments on the plane, and the exchange with Gideon, and every other negative interaction he'd ever had. Far too many times he'd allowed himself to become caught up in the vicious cycle. This time, he interrupted it.

_Stop it. Why do you always have to focus on the negative?_ But he knew the answer. It came from eighteen years of living with paranoia. And from the many times when his classmates saw to it that his worst nightmares actually did come true. _But you're not there anymore, Spencer. Maybe these people really are good. She didn't try to hurt you, did she? She only tried to help you. Maybe things can be different now. _

He wanted so badly to believe it. He wanted to trust. It sapped all of his energy, being constantly on alert for the next attack. He wanted to let it go. And, for the first time, he thought it just might be possible.

* * *

The morning meeting wouldn't happen for at least an hour, so Reid settled in at his desk to work through some reports. He hadn't mentioned his birthday to anyone, so he expected the day to pass quietly….or as quietly as a day passed, when one spent it chasing serial killers.

So he was caught completely off guard when he was thrust forward in his seat as something was shoved onto his head. It came down over his eyes, and he couldn't see.

"Happy Birthday, Kid!" Morgan's voice came from behind him, and seemed to be holding the object on his head.

"Happy Birthday, Reid!" Elle and Garcia, also behind him.

"Happy Birthday, Spence!"

He knew he was surrounded when he heard JJ's voice right beside him. Then Morgan lifted the object...a birthday cake hat...higher on his head, and he could see that she'd laid a homemade cake on the desk in front of him. It said, 'Happy Birthday, Reid!' And it had chocolate frosting. His favorite.

They sang a strange sort of abbreviated 'Happy Birthday' to him, and then Morgan started urging him to blow out the candles. Reid tried to oblige, and started huffing and puffing….all to no avail. He took deeper breaths, and tried stronger exhalations….no good. While the others laughed, JJ took pity.

"They're trick candles, Spence. They'll keep relighting, no matter how many times you blow them out."

He was huffing too hard to hear her. She tried explaining again, but then just reached around him and took the cake away. Reid saw a break in the perimeter and exited, walking quickly over to where Hotch and Gideon were leaning near the window.

Reid's eyes went to the hat on his head. "Can I take this off?"

"I wouldn't." The moody Gideon was having a good day. On his good days, he was benevolent, and Reid relished it. "Are you having fun?"

"Yeah. Loads." Sarcastic eyes on the hat again, memory on the trick with the candles. Reid turned when he heard his name.

"Spence! First piece for the birthday boy!" She was holding a plate out toward him. Now his memory erased the candle trick, and focused only on the homemade cake. It had read, 'Happy Birthday, Reid!'. Not 'Spence'. Not only from her, to him. _Made_ by her….but from all of them.

Gideon nodded in JJ's direction. "Go ahead. It's your party."

Indeed it was. The first birthday party he could remember that was attended by anyone other than his mother and himself.

Reid started to obey, but turned back to add, "Do you know she's the only one in the whole world who calls me Spence?" He was giddy about it. He had to share. Why not with his mentor?

When an urgent case interrupted the party fewer than two minutes later, Reid didn't care. His teammates had remembered his birthday. No, actually, it was more than that. They'd had to go out of their way to find out when his birthday was. And they'd had to care enough to bother planning to celebrate it. And JJ had spent a good part of her evening thinking about him as she made his cake.

Reid didn't care that his party had lasted all of five minutes. It had still been the best birthday gift he could ever remember.

_Acceptance_.

* * *

**A.N. You know what comes next. We'll find out together how well I'm able to 'tackle' it.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Prelude**

**Chapter 4**

The unsub was a phone repairman. The guy you saw up on a pole and waved to as you walked by. The same guy who was capable of making sure you couldn't call for help. Gideon had put the pieces together, leading to the unsub's capture. Reid was happy for him, and hoped the success would further bolster his mentor's obviously shaken confidence. But, this time, Reid kept his thoughts to himself. He was rewarded by an invitation to engage in a game of chess.

In the back of the plane, JJ was skimming through files, trying to distract her thoughts. She'd been haunted by the unsub's particular method of torturing his victims. He'd glued their eyes wide open, forcing them to watch him as he did what he did to them.

Given the business she was in, it was natural that JJ would run scenarios. How she would handle it if _she_ became a target. It was not unusual for her to analyze how she would have avoided the unsub, or the attack, or the outcome, as they returned from each case. She'd convinced herself that she would be able to survive, that she could take control in the event of an assault. Even if she couldn't avoid the attack, she could disengage. Close her eyes, go somewhere else in her head. And _then_ fight back. So this particular method of torturing his victims got to her. It threatened her sense of security, and power. She was having trouble letting go of this one.

Reid had Gideon in his sights. It was a marker of how preoccupied the master was when the student could come within two moves of checking him. Both student and master realized it at the same time. But the master had a distraction up his sleeve. Or, rather, in his pocket.

Gideon extracted a small cardboard box with a hastily tied ribbon around it.

"I almost forgot," he said as he handed the box to Reid. "Happy Birthday."

Reid was surprised, and touched. For Gideon, this was effusive.

"But you don't give birthday presents." Reid was already opening it even as he spoke. It may have been unusual for Gideon to give a birthday present, but it was even more unusual for Reid to get one. Just as he'd been with the cake, he was excited, and touched.

Inside the box, Reid saw two tickets, and assumed his mentor was inviting him to attend something together. Then he noticed. They were for a football game. The local pro team, the Redskins. VIP seats.

"You're inviting me to a football game?" He hadn't realized Gideon was interested in the sport. "I don't know anything about the game." He couldn't imagine he would be good company for such an event.

"Not me. There's someone else on the plane who's a big fan."

Reid was confused. Gideon was obviously not a football fan either. So these were obviously not his tickets. Probably something gifted to him and now 're-gifted'. _But why give them to me? Why not just give them to 'the fan'?_

"Who? Who would want to go with me?"

"The only person in the world who calls you 'Spence'." Gideon waited for the young genius to process it, and then smiled at his reaction.

Reid's mind raced. _He's giving me the tickets so I can ask her to go to the game with me. Does that mean that he thinks she likes me? That it would okay? But, are we supposed to fraternize? Is this permission? _

Part of him likened this to when he'd been told the most beautiful girl in the school wanted to rendezvous with him. When he'd kept that appointment, only to be abjectly humiliated. Was he supposed to invite the beautiful Jennifer Jareau on a date, only to be turned down, and laughed at again?

He'd been trying so hard to let go of the litany of past injustices, and yet the situational similarities were sometimes hard to ignore. He wanted to believe that the people in his life now were different, that _he_ was different. And yet, it was so hard to trust. Still, this was Gideon. This was his mentor. He owed the man the life he was living now. He _had_ to trust him. Didn't he?

"JJ?" Reid cast a glance over his shoulder at where she was sitting, paging through files. "But, what should I say?" _I've never asked someone on a date. How do I do it? Dad…..Gideon?_

But Gideon just continued to smile at him. Reid looked back and forth between his mentor and his prospective first date. He remembered the conversation he'd had with his mirror image a few days ago. _It can be different. You can make it different. Do it. Now._

Before he had a chance to talk himself out of it, Reid rose, heading off toward the back of the plane. He'd taken only half a step before he remembered and quickly turned back. Bending down to the chessboard, he made his move. "Checkmate."

Gideon looked up at his protégé, a mixture of surprise and pride on his face. Reid smiled back at him. He'd held the master. Things could, indeed, be different.

* * *

She kept flipping pages without really reading them.

_He made them watch him. I don't know if I could survive it if I had to watch. Could I go somewhere else in my mind if I had to look at him? Or would it paralyze me? Would I be unable to fight back? Would I become just another victim? _

The idea, and the case, had been so unnerving that she actually began to question whether she could continue in the job. _I know it will be in my dreams. I just know it._

She started to fish around in her go bag for a novel she'd brought along, hoping to achieve distraction. But then distraction came down the aisle toward her. Reid loped toward the rear of the plane, and plopped himself into the seat across the aisle.

It only took a quick glance to see the blush creeping up his neck already. It was her signal that he wanted to talk to her.

"Hi." _Okay, that's a good start. Isn't it?  
_

"Hi."

The ball was back in his court all too soon. "Oh, uh…" He used a finger to loosen his collar. "I….uh…."

"Go ahead, Spence." Her smile encouraged him.

"I, um, heard that you might be a fan of football. Of the Redskins?"

JJ's brows were up. _Spence wants to talk to me about football? This is interesting._

"And….um…..well,…I have these tickets…..I mean, I got them as a birthday present…..I have these tickets for the game this weekend. I…uh…..I was wondering if you'd like to go. With me, I mean."

_Whoa! Did he just ask me on a date? I don't think…I shouldn't…..we shouldn't..…but it's the Redskins_! JJ purposely avoided eye contact while she conducted her internal debate. _Maybe it's not a date. I mean, he hasn't ever flirted with me or anything. Not that I think he'd know how…_

Reid didn't know what to make of the prolonged silence. Was she insulted? Angry? Should he back off?

"It's all right if you're busy, I understand. Short notice, and all. It's just…Gideon told me you liked them, and I don't know anyone else who might like to go, and….but…..it's okay, you don't have to."

That put her over the edge. The plaintiveness that he couldn't quite keep out of his voice. Forget the propriety of it. Maybe it _was_ proper anyway, if Gideon sanctioned it. But JJ simply couldn't leave Reid hanging out there, unsupported. And besides, it was the _Redskins_.

"No, it's fine, Spence. I don't have any other plans, and I'd love to go to the game. It's supposed to be a really good one."

He didn't know good from bad when it came to football. He didn't need to. He'd just asked the beautiful Jennifer Jareau to accompany him…._and she said 'yes'!_

He was almost as flustered at her acceptance as he had been about asking her.

"Oh. Oh! Okay, great! We'll go to the game together. The Redskins. This weekend. Great!"

As he got up and started walking back to the seat across from Gideon, JJ watched him, the curiosity evident on her face.

"She said 'yes'! We're going to the game!"

Gideon smiled at the new chess master. "Good. Happy Birthday, Spencer."

* * *

The rest of the week passed achingly slowly, and always with the spectre of a case taking them out of town for the weekend.

_I wish I was a believer._ Reid was tempted to look up the patron saint of granted prayers, and successful dates, and football. _But I'll just have to be a 'hoper'. And a 'fingers-crossed-er'._

Whatever it was that worked, his wish was granted, and the team was in town for Sunday. As he got himself ready, he remembered his final conversation with JJ on Friday afternoon. He'd poked his head into her office just before leaving.

"Why don't I pick you up, Spence? I've been to the stadium before, and I know all the shortcuts that might help us beat some of the traffic." _And it won't seem so much like a date._ She didn't want to mislead him about her interest.

"Oh. Okay. That's a great idea!" It would save him the few hours he'd planned trying to clear his car of its décor of empty coffee cups, and napkins, and stray books and papers.

"Fine. I'll pick you up at 11, okay?"

"Doesn't the game start at 1?" _Do I really have to have two hours of conversation topics ready even before the game starts? _He was starting to get anxious.

"Well, yes. But, even with shortcuts, there will be traffic, and we need to park, and find our seats. And we'll need to get some food, too. There's nothing like a stadium hot dog and beer."

This was already sounding much more complicated than he'd imagined. In his mind, he'd seen them sitting in their seats, watching men run into each other on the field. Period. Nothing before, nothing after. Now JJ was painting a whole different picture for him.

"Oh, yeah. Right. Nothing like it. Okay, I'll see you at eleven on Sunday." He gave her directions to his apartment.

The weekend hadn't moved any more quickly than the week had. But, finally, it was the day. Now, JJ's arrival was merely minutes away, and his heart was racing. _ I only hope I can survive this._

* * *

JJ released a held breath when she saw him emerge. _Thank you, God._ She'd been afraid of the sweater vest and tie combo, but hadn't figured out how to bring up the topic of his attire. Providentially, he was wearing a pullover sweater with a button down shirt and his khakis. Not exactly 'football-casual', but far better than it could have been. She'd actually had more trouble than usual dressing for this 'date' herself. She'd been trying to anticipate what he would wear so that they wouldn't look too oddly matched, while at the same time being appropriate for the stadium. Dress jeans and a casual blazer seemed a good compromise. A little Jack and Judy Preppie for her taste, but better than the alternative.

It was one of his hair's less slicked-back days as well, she saw. It framed his face a little better, making him look less gaunt, and more..._cute. Handsome, even. But he also looks terrified. Of me. What an effect to have on someone!_

She pushed the passenger door open as he approached the car. "Hi, Spence."

"Hi." He stood awkwardly outside, as though not wanting to impose.

"You'll probably need to get in, if we want to get going."

He startled. "Oh! Yeah, of course." He climbed in beside her and attached his seat belt.

"Nice day." Conserving words. _Careful, Spencer. You don't want to run through your prepared small talk too quickly._

"Beautiful. I love a football game on a crisp, fall day. Not too hot, but not freezing, either." She pulled away from the curb and got them under way.

He was looking straight ahead, too afraid to make eye contact. "Yeah, me too. Love this kind of day, I mean." _What else to say? Oh, yeah_. "We didn't get too many of these days in Las Vegas."

"Oh, that's right, you're from Vegas. Guess most of our weather is pretty different for you, isn't it? Except for the hundred-degree days we had this past summer."

"Yeah, it did kind of feel like home then."

"Do you miss Vegas? Do you have family there?"

So far, he'd managed to avoid sharing anything personal with his team members. Gideon knew, of course, but the rest...no. He wasn't sure he was ready to share all that much now, either. But he couldn't just ignore the question.

"My mom is there."

"Oh. You should have her come and visit you here. There's so much to do in DC. Of course, there's a lot to do in Vegas as well, but ...different things."

He was circumspect in his response. "Mom's not much for traveling."

"Oh. How about your dad?" Remembering that she and Garcia had seen different Vegas addresses for his parents in his personnel file.

"I don't see him much." _Like, never, in the past thirteen years. _

Something in the way he'd said it told JJ it was time to move on from this topic.

"So, have you ever been to the stadium before?"

"Not much of a sports fan, I'm afraid."

"What _do_ you like to do in your spare time, Spence?"

"Read, play chess, work out math problems."

"Work out math problems?" She had trouble keeping the incredulity from her voice.

He heard it. _She thinks I'm weird. So much for making a good impression. _He sighed in resignation before answering her._  
_

"There are a lot of unsolved equations in math. Ones that people have been working on for years. I like to try to work some of them through as a way of stretching my brain after a case. It's a different way to think from what we normally do."

"Oh."

JJ didn't usually have this much trouble making conversation. _Is it contagious? _She decided to mitigate the silence by turning on the radio.

"Hope you like my taste in music."

He was still looking straight ahead. "I'm sure anything you like is great." Not having a clue about the song that was currently playing.

"What kind of music do you like to listen to, Spence?"

This was a topic that excited him. Reid found music fascinating. Its use of physics to create something that was sensually pleasing captivated him.

"I like a lot of different types of music. Anything that creates a unique sound, or a blend. Chords are...they're just amazing, how they're created, and the effect they have. But, to answer your question, I think maybe I like classical music the best, because it makes such incredible use of the sound spectrum."

JJ had been following him until he got to the 'sound spectrum'. "Explain, please."

Years later….even _moments_ later….she would know enough not to say those two words together. Because, once invited, Reid couldn't restrain himself. It didn't even occur to him that she was just being polite. In Reid's mind, here was a kindred soul who wanted to understand music in the same way that he did. He went on for a full fifteen minutes, getting them half way to the stadium in the process.

"And then, when the final chord sounds, and the ossicles of the ear vibrate in response to it, and we hear just what the composer meant for us to hear, and it stays with us until it wanes into silence…..it's incredible, JJ. Isn't it?"

She'd never thought about music as a physics event. Never even thought about it past whether she liked the melody, or the words, or whether it was good for dancing. Here, Reid had gone on for miles explaining how the sound came about, how melody was constructed, how chords resonated both together and apart. She should have been bored to tears. But there was something fascinating about what he'd observed, and how he chose to share it. And something…..poetic...even...romantic….in how he spoke about the sound, and the silence.

She didn't realize how long she'd been thinking about what he'd said until he spoke again.

"Sorry. All you asked me was what I liked to listen to, and I bored you to death with science."

She threw a glance his way, and watched him blush in response.

"No! Not at all, Spence. I've just never heard anyone talk about it that way before. It's…."

He spoke right over her. "That's because other people know how to answer a simple question."

She could hear the frustration in his voice, and knew it was aimed at himself. But, before she could say anything, he started in again.

"It's just that I'm nervous. I don't want to be boring, but I don't know what to say. I don't want you to be sorry you came with me, but I would understand if you were. I'm no good at this, JJ."

_Spence. What do I say now?_ She had to try to alleviate his misery. _Guidance, please!_

Whether guidance was granted or not, she had to respond.

"Spence….first, you're not boring. I've never heard anyone talk about music like that. And it was kind of…..cool."

_Best not to say 'romantic', even if you think so_.

"And I'm not sorry we're going to the game. But I _am_ sorry that you're nervous about it." _Guidance!_ "Would it help if we didn't think of this as a date? If we were just two friends going together?"

Forever after, he would wonder if he'd made the right decision. If their lives would have unfolded differently if he'd not gone along with her. But he was so relieved at the opportunity of not having to try to be someone he wasn't, that he grabbed at it. She was giving him an out, and he would take it.

JJ glanced over at him again and almost laughed at the relief on his face. Truthfully, she was relieved as well. She'd been reluctant to have him think of this as a date.

"Can we be? Just two friends? That would be so great, JJ." Knowing that she didn't realize that even the designation of 'friend' was important to him.

She grinned. "Of course. So, friend, what do you take on your hot dog?"

* * *

They'd filled themselves with processed meat and beer by the time of the opening kickoff. Now they were settled in at the 50 yard line, ten rows up. JJ had never had such magnificent seats.

"I still can't believe this, Spence. It's almost like we're on the field with them!"

"Trust me, JJ, you don't want to be on the field. The average football player weighs 248 pounds, and an offensive lineman can be well over 300. If you multiply their speed by their mass to calculate their force of impact…well, trust me, you don't want to be down there."

She turned and stared at him. "Football as physics too, Spence?"

This was another topic he found fascinating. "Yes! Exactly! There's mass, and force, and momentum. And elastic collisions, and inelastic collisions, and…."

She raised her palm, laughing. "Stop! Cease and desist!" She eyed him to make sure he realized she wasn't upset with him. "I knew you had a doctorate in physics, but I didn't realize you knew so much about football. Are you a fan, too?" It didn't seem to go with his professorial persona.

"Me? I've never seen a game. But I read up on it this week. A couple of articles on the physics of it, a book on the National Football League, one on strategy, one on the history of the Redskins and a couple of autobiographies. You know, so I could understand what motivates the players."

"You were profiling the players?" JJ giggled. Then she processed the rest of what he'd said. "Spence, you read five books on football….since Wednesday?"

He didn't get her meaning. "I know. My concentration wasn't great for some reason."

"Well, what did your profiling tell you?"

"That football players are paradoxically egotistical, yet selfless enough to put their team first. They are driven by a desire for success. They're ruthless when they have to be."

It did sound like he was delivering a profile. And it sounded even more like it a few minutes later, when….

"Did you see that? A blitz attack!"

Indeed, the opposing team had blitzed the Redskins' quarterback.

JJ parried with some profiler-speak she'd picked up working with the team.

"So, does that mean he's organized? Or just opportunistic?"

"In this case, both. But, see…the victim just faked out his attacker. The quarterback double pumped the ball and then held onto it himself."

The two turned and looked at each other, speaking simultaneously, "Forensic countermeasure!"

The entire game went on that way. Play after play, they each found a parallel between the action on the field and _their_ action _in_ the field. Football as a diorama of victims and unsubs, with the roles constantly changing. JJ giggled throughout most of it, and then cheered wildly when the Redskins managed a final, winning, field goal.

Reid was less enthused…..he didn't really care about the outcome of the game, except for wanting JJ's team to win…but he stood and cheered as well, caught up in the excitement of his friend. When the noise died down, they turned to file out with the rest of the crowd, and became separated almost immediately.

"Spence!" JJ called back to him.

"I'm here!" But he couldn't get to her.

JJ stopped in place and let the crowd flow past her until Reid was close. Then she grabbed his hand.

"We need to stay together. If we get separated, we'll never find each other."

If it hadn't been task-driven, he'd have reacted more to the fact that she was holding his hand. And he was holding hers. When they made it, together, to the parking lot, it would have been natural to let go. The task had been accomplished. They'd gotten through the crowd together. But they remained linked.

Reid was acutely aware of the fact that JJ was holding his hand when she didn't have to, and he began to fret over the process of letting go. _Do I just drop it? Does she drop mine? What do we do when we get to the car? _

During the game, he'd forgotten himself, caught up in the running commentary and thrilled to see that she seemed to be enjoying herself with him. Now, his insecurities threatened to come crushing back. But they were staved off when JJ simply squeezed to signal they'd arrived at the car, and their hands fell apart naturally, of their own accord. As though they'd done it before, and would do it again. Relieved, Reid chastised himself.

_Why do you have to overthink everything? And besides, it's not a date, you idiot. Just relax. You had a good time, didn't you? And so did she...I think...I hope._

All too soon, they were out of the lot, and on their way home. Their day together was coming to an end, and, in spite of himself, Reid was sorry. Until...

"Hey, do you want to get some hot chocolate? I need to warm up."

He couldn't believe she was trying to prolong their time together. But he was elated.

"Hot chocolate? Sure, I could go for some."

They stopped in at a coffee shop in Reid's neighborhood. It was crowded on a Sunday afternoon, mostly with couples and small groups of friends out for the afternoon, but they found a table near the window. Reid went to the counter to order their beverages, and then turned back to look at JJ. As he did, he noticed several other men in the shop looking in her direction as well.

_Of course they would be. She's the best looking woman in here. And she's with me! _

From her vantage point, JJ could also see many of the women in the shop watching Reid as he waited at the counter, and tried to imagine what her own reaction to him would be if she hadn't already known him. _He's good looking. Probably the best looking guy in here. And, when he's just leaning on the counter, he doesn't seem awkward at all. I can see why they're watching._

Reid brought the hot drinks back to the table with a little smirk on his face. JJ had insisted upon his getting her a mountain of whipped cream on top of the chocolate.

"The barista said she hadn't noticed me coming in with a child."

JJ raised her brows at him. "Are you making a joke or did she really say that?"

He gave her a knowing smile. "Both. Maybe."

"Hmph!" She feigned annoyance. "You're just jealous because you don't have any. But if you're nice to me, I just might share."

There was an observer sitting in the back of Reid's brain, recording the fact that he was out on a brilliant Sunday afternoon, exchanging banter with a beautiful, kind, intelligent woman. He would replay that recording over and over again, for months. Maybe longer. Something about JJ...about how she was with him...just made things...easy.

"Okay, if you're offering, I'll try it. But it should be a controlled trial. Let me taste it plain first."

He made a show of the not-so-mad scientist taking a few sips of hot chocolate and then making a notation on a napkin. Then he allowed JJ to spoon some of her whipped cream into his drink, and tried it again.

"Hmmm. Lighter. Sweeter." Another notation. "Definitely better." Then he looked at her and smiled. "But perhaps not as effective as when it is inhaled." He touched his nose to let her know she had whipped cream on the tip of hers.

"Oops! Thanks." JJ wiped a napkin across her face. "Better?"

_Couldn't possibly get any better._ But all he said was, "Yes."

She sat back against her chair, sated. "Spence, this was fun. I've been to a lot of football games...and I watch it on TV all the time. But I don't think I'll ever look at the game the same way again. You've changed my football experience forever." At the look on his face she added, hurriedly, "I mean that in a good way."

"I had fun too, JJ. Thanks for coming with me. And thanks for...you know."

"The 'un-date'. That's what we should call it, don't you think?"

He looked uncomfortable. "I don't know. Morgan was on me about it the past three days. He'll be all over me on Monday."

"Tell him it's 'top secret'. And it is. Just ours. Just between us." It would remain ever so.

"The un-date." He squirmed in his seat. "I'm sorry about being nervous...you know, before. But I'm not now. I really did have a great time, JJ. You're easy to be with...you make it easy."

She reached across the table to squeeze his hand. "That's how it should be between friends, isn't it?"

She couldn't help but hope that they were, indeed, having a breakthrough. That he would let her help him integrate with the others, and accept her overtures without suspicion.

"That's what we are, isn't it? We're friends." He gave her what she would later come to think of as his shy smile. Later, after she'd seen and categorized all of his smiles.

"We are. And now this friend needs to get home. I've got some things to get done before we go back to work tomorrow."

* * *

When she pulled up in front of his building, he immediately unbuckled himself and started to open the door. But she pulled him back.

_This might kill him, but...he's just going to have to get over it. In for a dime, in for a dollar_, she thought. _Besides, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger._

"I'll see you in the morning, Spence. Thanks again. This was great." She leaned over to give him a one-armed hug and a kiss on the cheek...and pulled away just in time to see the deep red creeping up his face.

"Uh...um...you're welcome. Thanks for coming with me, JJ. It was... amazing...all of it." Then he scrambled from the vehicle and stood, waving, as she pulled away.

#####

Reid had his own chores to do this evening. After straightening up his apartment and throwing in a load of laundry, he sat down to take care of the correspondence that was a part of how he ended every day. From a box on his desk, he removed a piece of heavy stationery stock, and put pen to paper.

'_Dear Mom,_

_Today was a great day. I have a new friend...'_

* * *

**_A.N. There are some CM legends that are more intimidating to take on than others. "The Date" is one of them. Hope I did it justice!_**


	5. Chapter 5

**Prelude**

**Chapter 5**

"Hey, Reid, how was 'the big date'?"

Reid had been right on the mark. It was the first thing Morgan said to him as he exited the elevator on Monday morning.

"Top secret."

The dark-skinned profiler was taken aback. He'd been ready to razz his younger colleague about it. "Top secret?"

Morgan was sure his suspicion had come true. It must have been a disaster, or Reid would be more than happy to tell him. But the kid didn't look upset. He looked…happy. Energized. Morgan threw his eyes upstairs to JJ's office. The light was on. Maybe he could just happen by….

But there was no time. She came hurrying out, and ran across to Hotch's office. That usually meant a hastily called team meeting and a quick trip out to some godforsaken town suffering at the hands of a serial killer. Morgan gave up on razzing Reid and checked to make sure his go bag was ready.

The young genius headed to the coffee bay as soon as he'd dropped off his messenger bag. Seeing her opportunity, Elle made her way over to him.

"Did I hear something about a date? Did you go out with JJ?"

This part was technically public information, so Reid answered her. "We went to a football game."

"_You_ went? With _JJ_?" Elle let out a low whistle. "Wow."

Reid was irritated. "Why 'wow'? Are you saying you're surprised someone like JJ would spend time with someone like me?"

Elle wasn't used to being challenged by her junior colleague. "No. No, of course not. It's just…"

It was just that she _was_ surprised. But she couldn't exactly say so, could she? Before she could find a gracious way out of the conversation, JJ swept by the bay and called them to the meeting.

"Hotch wants us, pronto. Hi, Spence!" She hadn't seen him yet today.

"Hi, JJ. Do you want me to bring some coffee in for you?"

"That's okay, I've already had some. But thanks."

Elle was trying to read between the lines of the brief conversation. They were obviously still on speaking terms, so it couldn't have been too disastrous. But she didn't pick up on anything special going on between them, either. _Hmm…._

* * *

The case involved twins, the daughters of a prominent Connecticut politician. And the unsub was a member of the local FBI office. During one of his phone calls to the victims' home, he'd launched into a tirade against each member of the field team, accurately homing in on their insecurities. The plane ride home took place in virtual silence.

Only JJ, deemed too insignificant by the unsub, had been spared. Nor had she heard the insults fired at her teammates. But she could see their effect. She wandered about the plane, trying to make small talk with each of them in turn….except Gideon. One didn't make small talk with Gideon.

Having had little success with any of the others, she now approached Reid.

"Hey," she said as she leaned over his shoulder from behind his seat. "What are you reading?"

"It's a work by Thomas Aquinas. I'm thinking about getting a degree in philosophy."

She'd just stopped by to make small talk, but now JJ was intrigued. She came around and took the seat across from Reid.

"You are? Don't you have like…..six or seven degrees already?"

"Five. But only three of them are doctorates."

"Only three….why? Are you slacking off?" She watched him, hoping he'd realize the joke.

He almost didn't…until he raised his eyes and saw the look on her face. "Very funny. No. But I have less time than I had before. So, lately, I've only been getting bachelor's degrees."

_Only. _JJ gave a slow, appreciative nod. "So, how many of those do you have?" It was becoming more and more amazing to her that they'd had the kind of conversation they'd had at the football game.

"I have bachelors in all the same as the doctorates…..math, physics and engineering….and then two more, in sociology and psychology. I thought those two might be useful for working on the team."

"I can see that. But why philosophy?"

"Well, I'm not exactly decided between philosophy and theology. That's why I'm reading Aquinas. He's a little bit of both. I'm trying to decide."

"Okay, then, why either of them?" The more she learned about Spencer Reid, the more she realized she was only scraping the surface. And something was drawing her to go deeper.

"Well….partly because religion and world view seem to be two of the prime motivating factors for human behavior…especially bad behavior. So it might help me understand the unsubs better. But also because…well, I just want to understand what motivates _anybody_ to do _anything_."

_And I'm looking for an anchor. My own world view. Something that tells me why I should get out of bed every morning. Something that tells me how to live my life. Something to measure myself against.  
_

But he wasn't ready to share that. Not even with JJ.

She nodded at the book. "Is it helping?"

He shook his head. "I'm having some trouble concentrating tonight."

She'd not gotten anything out of anyone else, but she tried again with Reid. "He said some pretty awful things, I heard."

Reid looked at her for a long moment. "I don't know if they were awful. They were probably pretty accurate. That's what made them so effective."

She returned the look. "So….are you okay?"

He laughed to himself. "JJ, there's nothing this, or any other unsub, could say to me that would hold a candle to what I heard from my classmates in school. Guess that makes me kind of invincible, doesn't it?"

* * *

The next case both proved, and disproved, Reid's point. They were called out for a case involving a sniper. Or, more specifically, a long distance serial killer. A man who picked off his victims at random, in succession, with a long distance weapon. It had been a complicated case, with the profile, and the evidence, leading them in false directions several times. When they'd finally found their unsub, he'd gotten the upper hand and taken Reid and Hotch hostage.

"Gideon, we can't leave them in there! Even if they had weapons, Reid can't shoot any better than a blind man!"

Morgan was worried about his superior's inclination to wait things out. He knew Hotch would have his ankle holster, but Reid wasn't carrying at all. He'd failed his marksmanship recertification….actually, he'd failed the certification as well, but been granted a waiver the first time. Not so the second.

Yesterday morning, Morgan had taken delight in teasing Reid. "Hey, Kid. Maybe you can use this." He'd tossed an alarm whistle at Reid. The younger man had said nothing, clearly shamed at not passing, and that his team obviously knew about it.

_Now they know for sure they can't count on me_. He'd been acutely aware of his limited contribution to the team, and now he felt like a complete failure. _I wouldn't be surprised if Hotch convinces Gideon to get rid of me._

Now, they were all frightened for both of their members held captive. Gideon was frustrating Morgan with his lack of aggressiveness in going in, Elle was in Morgan's camp….and JJ was anxiously observing the argument between them. Suddenly, all voices were silenced by another sound. A gunshot.

"God damn it!" yelled Morgan, even as Gideon signaled him and the local SWAT team to break down the door.

_We waited too long. Oh, God, we waited too long_, thought JJ.

But…wait! It was Hotch's voice they heard once the barrier had been breached. "Federal Agents! Federal Agents!"

_But I don't hear Spence. Please, God….he's so young. _Then she realized_. Hotch said 'agents' … as in plural…Spence has to be okay!_

She stood back while the others cleared the scene, and saw as Reid emerged behind the body of the unsub. He looked bruised, and battered….and shaken.

JJ stepped forward to intercept him. "Spence! Are you all right?" She'd turned him around with a hand on his arm.

He just looked at her, the bruise on his face blooming a bright red. As she looked him up and down to take stock of him, she saw the ligature marks on his wrists, and noticed that he was bent partially over.

"You're not all right, are you? Let's get you looked at."

She put a hand on his back and moved him forward, forcing the gathering crowd to part for both of them. He was moving stiffly, hunched over, protecting his abdomen, and she could feel him trembling beneath her hand. Instinctively, even though they were in a hospital, she led him outside, sensing he needed air. _The paramedics can look at him._

She had to help him sit on the tailgate of the ambulance, and listened as he was quizzed about his injuries.

"I was hit in the cheek by his gun. And then I was kicked. It's not too bad, I don't think." But when he raised his shirt and vest for them to see, it was clear that he'd taken some good hits. He winced as one of the paramedics pushed on his ribs.

JJ heard the two medical professionals' assessment of his case.

"Two ribs are unstable…they're obviously broken. But his breathing is normal, so I don't think he's punctured a lung."

"And his belly is soft, so there's not likely to be any internal damage. The cheek is tender, but I don't feel any crepitus. Not likely anything broken."

One of them spoke now to Reid. "It doesn't look like there's any major damage. But I'd advise you to get some x-rays to be sure. You're a pretty lucky guy for what you've been through."

"That's me. I'm a lucky guy." JJ heard the bitterness in his voice, and wondered what had prompted it. "I'll forego the x-rays, if it's all the same to you. Can you just patch me up?"

"I wouldn't advise it, but we'll try to make you comfortable." The two paramedics cleaned the open wound on his cheek and wrapped his ribs with a supportive bandage. "You're gonna have pretty good pain even with the support. You should go in and get a prescription."

_I just killed a man. Why should I get to feel better?_

JJ had moved aside to let the medical professionals work. Now, they were writing up their report, and she approached Reid again. But before she had a chance to say anything, Hotch called her away. This was a media mess, and he needed her services.

* * *

She'd been briefed before the press conference, and it had taken every ounce of control she owned not to react. _Hotch_ had done the damage to Reid. _Hotch!_ And Reid had taken down the unsub….from the floor, with his hands tied together, having just, as JJ now knew, had several ribs broken.

None of that information would be shared with the public. JJ, the face of the BAU, would handle all of the media inquiries with poise, no matter her personal feelings. But her thoughts were with Reid. Now she understood the vagueness of his stare, and the bitterness in his tone. _ Spence._

* * *

Hours later_, _they were safely on the jet and headed home. Reid sat off by himself, staring quietly out into the night sky. But, watching him, JJ could tell his mind was elsewhere. His eyes may have been directed at the stars, but she had no doubt he was watching the death of a man who had tried to kill him, and had already killed others. A death he had caused. Her heart went out to her colleague. As little as she knew about him still, she was sure he was devastated by the death.

JJ busied herself in the galley and then approached Reid, two mugs in hand. He turned as he saw her reflection in the window.

"Hi. I brought you some tea."

"Thanks, but I don't really want anything."

She put it beside him anyway, and sat down, uninvited, next to him. Blocking his view of the window, hoping she was also blocking his view of the killing.

JJ could feel the anxiety oozing away from him in waves. She assured him at once.

"I'm not going to ask about it. Don't worry. I just…I guess I just wanted to say that it would be understandable if you were upset. I mean, I know we always just walk away when an unsub is killed, as though they deserved it. And, maybe they do. But, even if this man deserved it…..I know it still affects you. You still had a role in his death, even if you didn't want to. And…..and I'm sorry. I'm sorry it had to be you. I'm sorry you had to do it. But, Spence…." She put her hand on his forearm. "he might have killed you, and Hotch, and the others. And I would be so much sorrier then."

He stared at the floor as he absorbed every word. As he absorbed her touch. Hotch had apologized for kicking him, and Reid had made a joke of it. Morgan asked after him and Reid had happily tossed the alarm whistle in his face. Gideon had told him he was proud of him. But Reid wasn't proud of himself. He'd been numb to the fact right after the shooting, but now it was beginning to penetrate.

_Here, I have all this knowledge, this supposedly superior intelligence…..and all I can do is shoot a man in the head. Kill him. Not turn him. Not make him see the error of his ways. Just take his life. He can't hurt anyone any more. But he also can't repent, can't see, can't hear, or taste or smell. He'll never breathe in a scent or feel someone touch him_.

Like JJ was touching _him. _Reidraised troubled eyes to JJ's, and lost himself in hers. _Help me._

They were already in their descent, so JJ simply stayed in her seat and wrapped her hand around his. "Wait for me," she whispered after the plane taxied to a stop. All on board rose and gathered their things, then disembarked and bid one another goodbye. Because of the late hour of their return, Hotch prevailed upon Gideon to give them a late start tomorrow.

Obediently, Reid waited while Hotch and JJ discussed the agenda for tomorrow's team meeting. Then the senior profiler bid his two youngest agents goodnight, and walked off to his car. JJ turned to Reid.

"I know you're tired…and you're probably sore. But I thought maybe we could….talk?...for a while. Or," correctly reading the look on his face, " we could just sit. And be quiet."

He barely made eye contact, but he did speak. "That would be nice….to sit."

_Sit. Okay. Where?_ "How about my place? It's closer. And you could crash on the couch if you want to."

If he hadn't been so preoccupied with everything else, he'd have panicked at having been invited to spend the night with her. But, as it was, the idea didn't even register. All he knew was that he felt lost, and she seemed to hold his lifeline.

"Okay."

Now that he'd been sitting for a long time, the stiffness had blossomed. Any movement was difficult, and immensely painful. He could barely walk.

"Spence, did you take something for the pain?"

He shook his head, ever so slightly. That hurt, too. "I never went inside." _Because I was too proud, and wanted Morgan to think I'd brushed it off.  
_

"Well, you can't drive like that. Let's leave your car here and we'll come by and get it tomorrow on the way to work."

Part of him realized that would leave him at her apartment with no means of escape. But he was too uncomfortable to protest. "All right."

Within twenty minutes, they were in her living room, Reid settled on the couch with his legs up on a table, a pillow next to his broken ribs, and a stiff drink coming his way.

"Here. Four ibuprofen. Sorry, I don't have anything stronger. But the whiskey should help."

"Thanks."

Gingerly, not wanting to jostle him, she took a seat on the sofa as well. "Do you want me to put on the TV? Maybe find something mindless?"

"Isn't it all mindless?"

"Well…..maybe I can find an old movie. I love the old black and whites, don't you?"

He did. But…."Can we just be quiet? Can we just sit? Or, you can go on and get some rest. I'll be okay out here."

She studied him for a few seconds, trying to read him. "How about I just sit with you? I need to unwind a bit anyway."

So, they sat in a silence that was both comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time. JJ noticed the grimace slowly erasing from Reid's face and took that to mean that some of the pain had been eased. She also saw that he was staring off, but his eyes were moving, as though they were watching something. _He's back there._

JJ did her best to sit vigil with him. But the hour was too late, and the events of the day too taxing even for her, who'd only had to stand and watch. She laid her head back against the sofa cushion and started to nod off. Then roused when she heard Reid speak, so very softly.

"I'm sorry."

JJ pulled her head from the cushion. "Spence?"

"I'm sorry."

"You're sorry?" But she could see that he was still staring. He wasn't speaking to her. He wasn't really _with_ her.

"Spence?" She reached out and touched his arm, and he startled. "Spence….you were talking. Do you remember?"

He seemed to be having trouble coming back to himself.

_The whiskey?_ she wondered.

"Spence?"

He was back. "JJ…..JJ, I killed a man today. I….killed…..a man. God….."

His face crumpled, and she reached for him, and drew him close. She held him, and he clung to her, all vestiges of reserve gone in the face of his grief. They may not have known each other all that well yet. But pain was universal. And the need to alleviate it was ingrained in JJ.

As they held one another that night, neither of them could know that it was only the first of many times they would do the same. Many times, stretching over a lifetime, that one would reach out, and seek the other. And, finding the other, find solace.


	6. Chapter 6

**Prelude **

**Chapter 6**

He startled so much when the door slammed that he almost fell off his sleeping perch. His door wasn't supposed to slam if he wasn't the one slamming it. When he opened his eyes to investigate, Reid spent a moment disoriented, before he remembered. He wasn't home. It wasn't his door.

"Hey, Spence, good morning!" JJ sounded a little breathless as she approached him.

He could only manage a croak. "Good morning. Have you been out already?"

"Yep, went for a run. I'll just put the coffee on and then hop in the shower. I won't be long, so you can get in too."

The blush started immediately at that. _I'll be using her shower?_ JJ didn't seem fazed. Maybe it just seemed more intimate than it really was.

"Did you sleep okay out here?"

His brain was too fuzzy without caffeine. He was trying very hard to remember how they'd parted last night...or even _when_ they'd parted. He remembered being stricken with the full realization of what he'd done, with the impact of having taken a life, for whatever reason. And he remembered her holding him when he'd felt overwhelmed with the guilt of it. But he didn't remember her leaving him, or his lying down, or being tucked in with a blanket.

He could only respond with, "I guess so. I'm still here."

She laughed. "You kind of conked out on me last night. Must have been the whiskey."

_The whiskey. Oh, right.  
_

"So I just swung your legs up and tucked the blanket around you. I hope you weren't too cramped."

He hadn't yet unfolded himself. Trying now, he found it easy enough to swing his legs back down to the ground, but when he tried to follow them to a sitting position, he felt a stabbing pain in his side and fell back against the cushions with a grunt.

JJ rushed over. "It's your ribs. Let me help you up so you won't have to tug so hard on those muscles." She got behind him and, with surprising strength, lifted his back from behind. The pain was still bad, but at least it wasn't excruciating.

"Better?"

"Good. Thanks, JJ. And…."_ Hurry up and get this out before you can't say it _..."...thanks for last night, too. It was...I...I was...just...thanks." The blush had deepened to purple.

JJ saw him color, not realizing that she was beginning to blush as well.

She liked Reid well enough, and she found getting to know him to be its own kind of fascinating...but the truth was, they didn't really know each other all that well yet. Considering that fact, the time they'd spent together last night had been remarkably intimate. And it had been emotional in a way that was unusual for JJ. She felt emotion as deeply as the next person, but she didn't display it…not in public. Not in her work, not with her colleagues. Except, it seemed, with Reid. How he managed to draw that out of her, why she seemed to react to him the way she did, was a mystery. And even a little bit scary. It challenged her professional persona, which she had carefully and purposefully cultivated ever since joining the FBI. And the usually decisive Jennifer Jareau wasn't at all sure if that was a good thing, or a bad thing.

She stepped over to the small kitchen and got the coffee going as she responded.

"You're welcome, Spence. You know, we train for these kinds of situations...we even consider ourselves failures if we can't take out an unsub on the training course...but I don't think there's a way to really prepare ourselves for actually doing it. Taking down a dummy, or hitting a target...that's just skill. Doing the same with a human being, no matter how sick that person is..."

_See, there! Just there! Why did I do that? Why didn't I just say 'you're welcome', period. How does he get me to do that?_

"That's just it, JJ. They're sick. Most of them are, anyway. How is it right to kill someone just because they're mentally ill?"

_Like my mom. _But no one besides Gideon knew about that, and he wasn't quite ready to share it with anyone else, including JJ.

He made his way very gingerly over to her as he spoke. Apparently walking was going to be difficult for a while. JJ pulled out a chair at her two-person table and helped him sit.

"It's not like you had a choice, Spence. No matter if the unsub was ill. _Somebody_ was going to die in that room. I'm just glad it wasn't you, or Hotch, or any of the hostages."

He knew she was right, but his heart still hurt. "Do you think _you'd_ be able to do it, JJ? Could you kill someone to keep them from killing someone else?"

For JJ, the idea of joining the FBI had been more about the satisfaction of being able to help people, both those victimized and those who might be. She hadn't spent a lot of time thinking about the physical confrontations with the perpetrators. But the simulation course had changed that, and she'd thought about it every day since. And, not being sure of the answer, she was grateful for her position as the unit liaison.

"I don't know, Spence, to be honest. But I'd like to think that, if someone was truly in danger, and I was in a position to stop it...that I would do whatever it took." _Even if I had to shoot someone in the head, like you._

The coffee was ready, and she poured him a cup, then set the sugar and cream in front of him. And watched. And watched.

"Wow! I heard about this, but I don't think I've ever seen you fix your coffee before. Was that six spoons of sugar?"

"I have a sweet tooth."

"Apparently," she laughed. "Okay, shower time for me, and then you can hop in. Hotch wants us in for eleven."

"JJ, do you think we can try to get there a little early?"

"Sure. Do you have something you need to get done?"

"No, but….I just wanted to get situated before everybody got there."

She studied him for a moment. _You don't want Hotch to know how badly he hurt you_.

"All right. Do you think you can drive?"

He wasn't sure, but he didn't want to put her out more than he already had. "I'll manage. Can we stop on the way?"

"How about on the way home? You know, in case they call us out again. You might as well leave your car at the airport." _And if you're not any better than you are now, I'm not letting you drive._

He closed his eyes, in too much pain to even contemplate going out on another case, but too afraid of showing weakness to say so.

"All right. We'll get it tonight."

* * *

They settled him into the conference room, to await the morning team meeting. JJ brought him a pile of files from his desk and a large cup of sugar diluted with coffee. He was comfortable enough to dig into some good paperwork, distracted only when Morgan arrived for the meeting.

"Hey, Kid, I didn't know you were here. Your desk looked empty this morning."

Reid looked up at his colleague. "Just thought I'd work up here for a change of scenery."

"Whoa, mama! That shiner grew up on you overnight!"

Reid was still embarrassed that he'd let the unsub get the better of him.

"It's not as bad as it looks." But even _he_ had been shocked when he'd seen himself in JJ's mirror this morning.

Elle breezed in and stopped short when she saw Reid. "Oh, wow! Does it hurt?"

The young genius didn't want this kind of attention. "It's fine. _I'm_ fine. Where's Hotch?" _Can we get this meeting going?_

Gideon entered the room and took silent stock of his protégé. He nodded a small smile at the young man, but said nothing. Shortly after, Hotch and JJ entered together, having obviously been consulting on the meeting's agenda. If Hotch noticed the state of his agent's face, he didn't choose to acknowledge it.

The meeting was fairly short. The team would remain local until the circumstances of the shooting could be cleared, so they would all do paper consults or assist with instruction at the academy.

As they broke, Hotch asked Reid to remain behind. JJ had been prepared to help her friend to his desk, but couldn't very well intrude on the meeting with his superior, so she shrugged apologetically and waved a goodbye to him, noticing the look of concern on his face.

Reid was, indeed, concerned. "Am I in trouble about the shooting, Hotch?"

His boss was reassuring. "They'll review it. They review every fatal shooting. But it was clean. Don't worry about it."

"Clean." He'd said it to himself, softly, not meaning for Hotch to hear.

But he _had_ heard. The senior agent sat down across from his youngest. This was why he'd held him back. Last night, as they'd flown home, he'd seen the anguish on the young man's face, and watched as Gideon had spoken with him, and then as JJ had gone to offer him comfort as well. Reid had seemed to settle with JJ, and Hotch had decided to let him be. But now, he had to survey the damage. The physical damage, the black eye, he could see. It was the damage to Reid's psyche that had yet to be measured.

"Reid." Hotch's voice demanded that Reid make eye contact. "It _was_ clean. It was necessary. You saved lives yesterday, not the least of which were yours and mine."

Reid had been brought into the BAU by Jason Gideon. He idolized the man who'd helped him to bring meaning and purpose to his life, and the gifts he'd been given. He knew what others thought of the man. That he was burnt out, damaged goods. That he'd screwed up in Boston and it had changed him. It had all happened before Reid's time with the team, but not before Reid's time with Gideon. He'd seen the change as well, and been frightened by it, both for Gideon, and for himself. He knew he was overly dependent on the man. But he simply didn't have the confidence to stand on his own.

Aaron Hotchner was an expert profiler, one of the best the BAU had ever had. It wasn't a skill he turned off when not in pursuit of an unsub. And so, he'd been unable to resist profiling his newest agent, the youngest ever in the BAU, and one of the youngest ever in the history of the FBI. He'd seen Reid for what he was…an insecure young man, socially inexperienced, awkward and inept, with an intellect that was astounding in both its depth and its breadth. Hotch had also seen his vulnerability, his naivete. He'd even picked up on some subtleties that told him Reid was familiar with the victim role. This young man, Hotch knew, was someone to be cultivated, but also someone to be protected. At least until he grew up. And, no matter what he thought about Gideon, no matter how much they'd been through together….Hotch didn't trust Jason in the protection of the genius. And, not trusting, Hotch had decided to take on the role himself.

When they'd first met, Reid had been intimidated by Aaron Hotchner. The man's physical presence, the way he carried himself, his facies, even his determined refusal to smile….had all had the desired effect on the rookie agent. Reid had held back, and as often as possible, seen to it that Gideon stood between him and Hotch. But time and experience had softened the stances of both men. Reid had seen the poorly hidden caring about the victims and their families, and Hotch had seen a slowly emerging strength of spirit and character in the younger man. In time, they'd come to trust and respect one another. Both drew upon that trust and respect in this conversation.

Reid heard Hotch's words. He appreciated the confirmation that he hadn't had a choice. But it wasn't as comforting as he'd have liked.

"I know it. I know I…we….couldn't let him hurt anyone else. But I can't help but wish I'd been able to stop him some other way. Talk him out of it, maybe. I mean, what good is it to have a brain that can outthink someone else's, when I can't even use it to save lives?"

Aaron Hotchner was comfortable with silence. He let it envelop them for full minutes while he pondered his response. When he spoke, it was with authority, and Reid paid due attention.

"You saved three college students in Seattle, possibly more, because you used your brain creatively. Yesterday, you understood an unspoken plan, fully on the strength of your intellect. Another agent might not have realized where I was going. You _did _use your brain yesterday, Reid. And you used some considerable manual dexterity to get the gun from my holster. I have to tell you, I was out of ideas and, because of that, I employed an extreme measure. I don't know any other agent on this team who could have both understood it and pulled it off."

He was pleased to see the expression on Reid's face brightening a bit. But the young man's words belied his reaction. "I still wish I could have saved _his_ life, too. He was sick. He needed help, not a bullet in his brain."

"They _all_ are, Reid. All of them. But we don't always get to choose how we stop them. We just need to get it done, to save the innocent."

Reid said something that Hotch didn't catch, as though it hadn't been meant to be said aloud. But he asked anyway.

"What did you say?"

Reid looked embarrassed. "I said, being mentally ill doesn't make them guilty."

He was right. Hotch knew it. But he also knew that the attitude could get Reid in trouble one day. And that it could get his teammates in trouble, too.

"Reid, I need to know. Can you do this? The FBI has decided that the shoot will give you your qualification. But I need to know that you want it. And that you think you can do this job, whatever it requires of you."

Now Reid held the silence for minutes, thinking, pondering. Finally, he looked up at his superior.

"I can. I can do the job. And I want to do it. I want to help people." _Even the unsubs_, he thought, but did not say.

Hotch held his gaze for a longer time than necessary, evaluating the intent behind the young man's words, both spoken and unspoken. Then, without another word of judgment, he rose.

"All right. We'll have a break of a few days before we're called out again, while the paperwork is processed. But it will be merely a formality. It was a clean hit. I don't think you'll need to do more than tell the story again, to IA. They'll be here this afternoon. You can work on your reports until then."

He rose to leave the room, clearly expecting Reid to do the same. When the younger man made no effort to move, Hotch stood and watched him. Something was beginning to dawn on the senior agent.

"Reid?"

The genius tried to put him off. "I'll just be a couple of minutes, Hotch. I was in the middle of something in one of these files. I'd like to finish it first."

Hotch stared at him for so long that Reid _had_ to look back.

"How badly did I hurt you?"

The Hotch stare was penetrating. Reid was compelled to answer.

"Two broken ribs and some bruising. Nothing serious."

Hotch's eyes had closed at the broken ribs. "I'm sorry."

"Hotch, I told you. I had worse in high school. It's fine, don't worry about it."

_How can I not worry about it? I feel like I kicked a baby._ But all he said was, "Do you want to go home? Take some time? Rest?"

Reid shook his head vigorously. The very last thing he wanted to do was to look weak, no matter if that was how he saw himself.

"It's not like I can't sit and read files." And besides, it irked Morgan when he could speed read through his pile in a fraction of the time it took the more experienced profiler. _Watching him get irritated might be as good as a narcotic._

The senior man was reluctant, but he had to agree. "All right. If you want to work in here, it's fine with me. Do you need anything? Is there anything I can get you?" He knew he shouldn't feel guilty…but he did.

"No, thanks, Hotch, I'm fine. Besides, JJ will help me."

_She will?_ The implication was clear. He'd shared his condition with at least one of his teammates. _Interesting._ This might bear watching.


	7. Chapter 7

**A.N. I don't have Season 1 on DVD, so my thanks go out to any and all of you who have put scenes up online. Any time I needed to review something (even if I ended up changing it a bit), all I had to do was a quick search, and there it was. Thanks for the research assistance!**

**Prelude **

**Chapter 7**

"What are you doing?"

"I'm creating a geographic profile." Reid's attention was entirely focused on his map, despite the fact that the beautiful Jennifer Jareau had just brought him coffee. By now, she knew exactly how to concoct the elixir to his liking, and she'd fallen into the habit of doing so whenever he was too caught up in a task.

"A what?" This was something she'd not seen the others do.

"A geographic profile. I'm using what we know about where the unsub's been active…the dump sites, the one murder site that we have….and I'm overlaying them with the locations we know the victims frequented." He made another dot on the map and then grabbed a highlighter to shade in a triangle shape that joined most of the dots. "That's it."

JJ looked at him sideways. "That's what?"

"The killer's comfort zone. It's where he is most likely to operate, so it's where he's most likely to be found."

She didn't quite understand. "You found him? By doing that?"

Hearing her disbelief, Reid turned and looked at her. They'd been spending more and more time together on cases, as Hotch was keeping Reid out of the field until he was certain the young man's ribs were healed. At least, that was the 'official' reason.

"I didn't exactly find him. I found an area where he's likely to be. But it's an area, not an address."

"Well, how many people live within that area?"

They were looking at a suburban map, but it was still pretty densely populated. "About forty-two thousand, six hundred thirty, give or take."

"About forty-two..…." JJ laughed and shook her head as she headed off to a press conference. "Spence, you are so funny."

_I am?_

* * *

Two weeks later, Reid was healed, and they were out on a heinous case. A family annihilator. Someone was killing entire families. And it appeared he made the father watch as he did so. Except in one particular instance.

"You want _me_ to interview him? _Me_?"

Reid had virtually squeaked the final word at Hotch. The man he was being sent to interview _was_ the father. The estranged, biological father. The rest of the family had all been killed. Now the BAU needed to know whether they had found their unsub, or whether they'd uncovered an unrelated case of domestic violence..…or if they simply had a grieving biological father on their hands. A very large, upset, biological father. Although Reid was tall, the man had several inches on him, and easily outweighed the profiler by well over a hundred pounds.

Hotch just looked an unspoken message at the genius. _You wanted to use your intellect. Now's the time. Use it._

JJ joined Hotch and Elle observing through the one way mirror as a very pale Reid went in, looking every bit like Jack facing the Giant. JJ saw his hand shaking as he laid his messenger bag on the table, and felt for him.

"Hotch, do you really think he should be the one to do this?" JJ doubted her boss' decision on this one.

But her question fell on deaf ears. All of Hotch's attention was on the action in the interrogation room. As well it should have been. With only a few moments elapsed, the suspect slapped the table in anger and rose to his full height and fury. Reid involuntarily pushed back in his seat and jumped up as Hotch barged into the room and confronted the unsub.

JJ's hand was at her mouth, concerned for Reid's safety….but also concerned for his psyche, should he fail at the task. She'd doubted Hotch's assigning it to Reid, but knew that, once assigned, it was crucial for her friend's confidence that he be able to carry it out. Now she found herself silently rooting for Hotch not to step in.

Whether the senior profiler intended to take over or not, he wasn't given a chance. The young genius swallowed back his fear, squared his shoulders, and started back in with the interrogation. He withstood several more outbursts as he used facts from the suspect's life to create a narrative of abuse and abandonment that ultimately broke the suspect down. By the time Reid and Hotch left the room, the man was in tears, essentially cleared from the investigation, but having given a key piece of evidence that would ultimately help to solve the case. Jack had slain the Giant.

_Go, Spence!_ JJ was grateful for her colleague's success on many levels. They would now be able to free an innocent man. They had a new lead in this awful case. And Reid had demonstrated his value to the team….both to Hotch, and to himself.

Although the shooting of the LDSK had been months ago, although his ribs had long since knit together, JJ knew Reid wasn't healed. Many hours spent together in a variety of police stations and sheriff's offices had given them ample time to talk. As much as they both sometimes tried to keep it light, the very nature of the work they did, and the reason they were in the locations they were in, led to discussion of the crimes, and the nature of those who committed them. And to the natures of those battling the evil. Reid had shared with JJ a relentless remorse about having taken a life.

"It gets into my dreams, JJ. I don't think I've slept a full night through since then." He hurried to add, "Please don't tell Gideon or Hotch. And, please, don't tell Morgan." He was concerned that the senior FBI men would decide he wasn't fit for the work…..and he was afraid Morgan would tease him without mercy.

"You're having nightmares?"

He nodded. A part of him took notice of the fact that he'd just given his beautiful colleague ammunition. And yet he wasn't the least bit worried that she would use it against him. JJ was slowly causing his memories of past tauntings at the hands of the 'popular kids' to fade.

_I trust her. Completely. I can tell her anything, and she won't use it to hurt me. I never knew that could even happen!_

Her next statement explained her response to his admission.

"I'm having them too. I didn't want to say anything to anyone, you know? I was afraid I would seem…"

"Weak." He knew. It was exactly what he'd said to himself.

"Yes! Weak. I was afraid they'd think I shouldn't be on the team. I don't know how the others do it, how they keep from having nightmares…."

A thought occurred to Reid. "How do we know that they don't? I mean, look at us, neither of us wanted to tell anybody. If we didn't have each other to talk to, we probably wouldn't have said anything at all, right?" Grateful beyond measure that he _did_ have her to talk to.

She nodded. "Right. So, you think….."

"I don't know. And I know I'm not about to ask. But maybe it's just a part of the job. Maybe we just have to get used to it."

JJ shivered. "I hope not. I hope I don't spend my entire career waking up in the middle of the night scared out of my wits. I don't think my heart could take it."

Reid studied her. "Have you ever thought about quitting? Transferring, maybe?"

She shook her head. "No. I think the work the BAU does is important and I'm proud to be a part of it. But I just hope I get used to it someday, that's all."

Reid turned back to the map he'd been working on. "I don't know, JJ. I don't know if we'll ever get used to it. And maybe we shouldn't. Maybe it _should_ affect us. Maybe we should worry when it doesn't."

She stared out the window, his words echoing in her mind. _He's right. But I so wish he wasn't._

* * *

Given how much he'd shared about his wish to be able to subdue an unsub with his mind, it shouldn't have surprised her. But it did. And it frightened her.

"What? Spence, you can't go in there alone!"

"I won't be alone. Elle is in there, remember?" Being held hostage by an unsub, along with a train car load of others.

"But….you won't have a gun."

The look he gave her spoke volumes. _No, I won't have a gun. So I won't end up shooting someone in the head and killing them. This one won't be in my nightmares._

But he _would_ be armed a skill he'd cultivated since he was a boy. The unsub was convinced he was being monitored by an implanted microchip, and Reid had volunteered to go in and 'remove' it.

Morgan wasn't a fan of his going in either. "Just show me how to do it." _How hard can it be, if this kid can do it?_

But Reid had been using sleight of hand for over half of his life. His long, nimble fingers made it easy for him. Morgan's buff upper body would work against him in this task. Reid let him try, and fail, to prove his point. The job was Reid's.

As he attached the Velcro of his vest, Reid noticed the others all standing there, watching him, doubt written on every face.

"Could at least one of you look like you're gonna see me again?"

Hotch responded, as though having been scripted, "See you when you get back."

JJ caught Reid's eye before he turned to leave. _Please be careful. Don't take any chances. You have nothing to prove._ Reid gave her a small smile of appreciation before he headed off.

* * *

They were all gathered around the monitor carrying the soundless video feed from the surveillance cameras in the rail car, JJ behind the three male profilers. She was glad they couldn't see her reaction to watching Reid purposely put himself in danger.

Gideon had been verbally encouraging, but his actions belied his lack of confidence in the young agent. He'd started pacing the minute Reid climbed the stairs of the rail car, ready to pounce the minute it looked like the young man was in trouble. Now he stroked nervously at his face as he watched the scene unfold.

Reid did as he was told, eschewing prolonged eye contact with Elle to avoid giving away their connection. But he went against the plan when he complied with the unsub's demand that he remove his protective vest. The BAU men each cursed aloud when the saw it, JJ uttering only a silent, '_Spence, no!'_

Gideon was pacing again, muttering to himself, while the rest stood vigil at the monitor. It looked like Reid had successfully appeased the unsub by 'extracting' the fake microchip from his arm. Now he just needed to exit the train, so the negotiations could resume. But it appeared the unsub wouldn't let him leave. The man looked agitated again, and it appeared he was yelling. Then he shot the phone when Gideon tried to call in. And then he shot a woman. Things were devolving rapidly, and all three remaining profilers prepared to storm the rail car.

"Wait!" JJ had kept her post at the monitor while the rest were getting ready. "Reid's talking to him. And he seems to be listening."

They joined her in watching the fascinating scene. Not only had Reid clearly captured the attention of the unsub, but he was actually moving toward the man…who still held his gun.

_Spence! Be careful! _

She didn't know whether the others noticed. But the look JJ saw on Reid's face was entirely a new thing. It wasn't the look of terror he'd had with the grieving father/suspect, nor the frustration he'd displayed about failing to turn the LDSK. There was a look of confidence about him now. Earnest, determined, confidence. _As though he's sure he knows how to turn the unsub._

* * *

Apparently he'd been right to be confident. The man eventually laid down his weapon, and Reid pounced on it. JJ uttered a silent prayer of thanks when she saw both Reid and Elle heading out of range of the video camera, exiting the train. She ran outside to congratulate them, but found herself holding back when she saw them engaged in what looked to be an intimate conversation. And she was very surprised when she felt a pang of jealousy.

_Really, JJ? You're jealous that two friends are celebrating having survived a run-in with a mad man? And why would you be jealous anyway? It's not like you and Spence are romantically involved. _

And yet, there it was. JJ made a wide arc around the pair on her way to meet with the sizable group of assembled media, but was still close enough to catch part of the conversation. Something about Reid knowing what it was like to be delusional, and psychotic. Now she was very curious about exactly what had been said inside the rail car. And she was suspicious that she wouldn't be getting it out of her friend.

* * *

The journey home was unusually lighthearted. They'd gotten their unsub, both of their agents had emerged from the train virtually unharmed, and no one had died. It was one of their rare 'wins'. Reid was so upbeat that he actually engaged Morgan, Elle and JJ in a game of poker. And proceeded to beat the pants off them.

JJ had been hoping for a chance to talk with him privately, to ask about what had actually happened in the train, to tell him she could see his confidence emerging…..but the celebratory atmosphere didn't give her the opportunity. Instead, she had to settle for seeing him happy and relaxed with his teammates. Until now, _that_ Reid had shown himself only to her. She was glad for him that the others were finally getting to meet him as well. It seemed like he was beginning to come into his own.

* * *

They weren't alone again until the next case. Reid had expected Hotch to send him into the field with Morgan or Elle, and was disappointed to be relegated to the maps once again. The only saving grace was that he was still with JJ. But even that was doing nothing to improve his mood.

"You seemed pretty irritated with Morgan, Spence. Did something happen?"

"I'd rather not talk about it."

"Ohh-kaay." His tone had been unusually abrupt. She was prepared to move off topic when Reid threw her an apologetic look.

"Sorry. I shouldn't take it out on you. It's just…Morgan told Hotch that I was having nightmares."

_Ah._ JJ remembered their prior conversation and understood why Reid was so sensitive about looking weak to any member of the team. _Except me._ So she was surprised he'd shared it with Morgan.

"How did Morgan know?"

Reid looked annoyed with himself. "He caught me before I'd had my coffee." As though that would clearly explain everything.

JJ couldn't help it. She laughed. Reid started to look put out, but then saw the humor in it as well, and joined her. The whole team was becoming familiar with how dependent he was on his 'starter fluid'.

"Well, I hadn't had much sleep because of the dreams, so I was running late, and I didn't have time for anything until I got to the BAU. And then he caught me."

"And you told him." JJ thought she'd been seeing a softening of the older profiler toward the man he called 'Kid', but it wasn't consistent. She wasn't sure how Morgan would handle having that kind of information about Reid. "Did he tease you about it?"

"No." _But I keep waiting for it._ "He told me to talk to Hotch."

Despite what she'd shared before about not disclosing her own nightmares, JJ thought that was a good idea. "Maybe you should. If they're happening so frequently, and if you're not getting any rest..."

Remembering that the choice was no longer his, Reid was irritated all over again. "Well, I guess I'll _have_ to now. He already knows." Now he stared at JJ. "Did _you_ talk to anyone else about yours?"

_Busted. _

"Just you. I didn't….."

Reid could see her embarrassment. "You didn't want anyone to think you couldn't handle it…right?"

She nodded.

They'd talked about this before. But now he couldn't help but wonder. Old frissons of doubt were resurfacing.

"So, why did you tell _me_?" _Because I don't count? Because it doesn't matter if I know?_

He couldn't seem to restrain those old thought patterns, born of so many episodes of betrayal over the years….but Reid was enormously glad the words hadn't made it to his mouth.

The sharing of her fears with Reid had surprised JJ at the time. She didn't _know_ why she did it.

"I don't know. Because I trust you, I guess? Because it feels good to be able to talk about it with someone without worrying that they'll think less of me."

She'd been studying the floor as she spoke. Now she lifted her eyes to his and held them there for a long time. Reid couldn't help scanning her for any telltale sign of artifice, of disingenuousness. Not finding it, he simply held her gaze and, for the first of what would become many, many times, he fell into her eyes. Deeply. Into the blue that was the color of the sea. He was drowning. And it felt wonderful.

If JJ noticed, she didn't choose to give any indication. When she spoke again, her voice brought him back to the surface.

"I'd like to think that's why you told me, too, Spence. I hope you know you can trust me with anything."

His voice took a moment to emerge from the depths. "I do. And you can too, JJ. Trust me, that is. With anything."

"It's what friends do, isn't it Spence? Friendship is built on trust."

"That's what we are. Friends. Right?"

It was a simple enough question for Reid to ask. But, as both of them would slowly come to realize, the answer was oh, so complex.

* * *

**A.N. The exchange between Reid and Hotch just before Reid enters the train is verbatim from "Derailed". **


	8. Chapter 8

**A.N. This chapter was written before last night's episode. I chose not to edit in light of the new information, both because of a better story fit and to avoid 'spoiling' anyone.**

* * *

**Prelude**

**Chapter 8**

Reid watched as JJ stepped before an array of microphones and media representatives, about to deliver an update on what had rapidly become a high profile case. Because they both worked largely from the law enforcement office assigned a particular case, Reid was often on hand when JJ met with the press. He'd gotten into the habit of lurking at the back of the room, watching her in action, admiring how articulate she seemed, and how deftly she handled...or deflected...questions. But, this time, he was watching her on television. The seeming resurrection of a killer long thought inactive, possibly even dead, had brought much attention to the work of law enforcement, and it was being covered by every form of media.

_She's almost as beautiful on screen as she is in person_, he thought. And he smiled as she expertly delivered the update, and handled a couple of difficult questions from the press. But then he frowned when the cameras turned to follow the sound of a new voice. The grieving brother of the latest victim challenged the young FBI liaison.

"What am I supposed to tell my mother? You're the FBI. You should have caught him years ago. Were you even looking?"

The camera panned back to JJ, and Reid saw a look of discomfort briefly cross her face, covered immediately by her usual calm composure.

"The FBI is very sorry for your loss, sir, and we want to assure you that the finest team has been assembled to find the person responsible."

Reid knew it was probably a 'pat answer', given to anyone, family member or not, who challenged the quality of an investigation, and it was designed to emphasize that the responsibility for the crime lay with the one who committed it. And he thought JJ delivered it with sincerity and sympathy. But he couldn't help but wonder how she pulled herself together in the face of such suffering.

It was one part of the job that stumped him and he'd sensed that his awkwardness in addressing it was detrimental to the family members. He'd found himself shying away from spending any time at all with them, afraid that he would only sharpen their grief with some misplaced or misunderstood comment. Not that he wasn't sympathetic. Not that he didn't care. He was just inept at dealing with emotional things. But JJ seemed expert at it.

_I can't avoid it forever. Maybe I could ask her? Maybe she could help me? _

Hotch actually assigned Reid to a couple of tasks in the field during this case, so he didn't have much opportunity to speak with JJ until the journey home. But that journey was taken up with stories of Jason Gideon, told by one of his oldest friends in the Bureau. The man whose case had come back to haunt all of them so recently, now happy to have finally put it to rest. Even Gideon seemed to be in a good mood, cheerfully accepting ribbing from the mouth of his old friend. Reid absorbed with fascination the tales of times when Gideon had been duped, made the butt of the joke, by his own colleagues. The stories humanized the man he'd come to think of as being superhuman.

They landed at seven, and Hotch dismissed the team with the expectation of starting at the usual time tomorrow. As JJ and Reid walked together in the direction of their vehicles, he brought up the subject he'd been chewing on.

"You were great today, JJ."

She had no idea what he was talking about. "What do you mean? I wasn't even in the field."

"No, I mean with the family. When the victim's brother confronted you during the press conference. You were great with him. You handled it so well."

"You saw that?"

"They had the TV on in the conference room, so I watched you."

She wasn't that surprised. She'd actually noticed him attending some of the live press meetings as well.

"Well, thanks. But I couldn't really help him, could I? I couldn't bring his sister back."

Reid was becoming increasingly attuned to JJ and her moods, even her voice. And he could hear it now. She always looked so poised, so unflappable. But her tone right now told him otherwise.

"You sound upset about it."

"No more than usual, I guess."

He stopped walking, causing her to stop with him.

"JJ, I would never know that it upsets you. I mean, you always look so confident up there, and you know exactly what to say, and it always seems to work. I don't know how you do it. All that ever seems to come out of my mouth is the wrong thing."

She'd noticed. The way he held back from saying anything at all to anyone except the team. Unless, of course, he was sharing some informational tidbit that only he would know. She'd also noticed why. His awkwardness was almost palpable in public situations, and his nerves about it did nothing to help. He _did_ struggle to communicate. And many of the LEOs they encountered were anything but kind about it.

And yet, with her, he was comfortable, easy. She remembered how she'd even thought he was poetic when he told her about why he loved music.

She was also intrigued with what he'd noticed about her. That she didn't seem affected by the plights of their victims. _I don't know if that's good or bad. _She _had_ been upset by the challenge today. But she was paid to keep the public calm while putting the FBI and law enforcement in a good light. _And I do it. But at what cost?_

They'd resumed walking, but both had slowed their steps, their bodies knowing instinctively that they needed more time together about this. Finally, JJ's mind realized the fact as well.

"Spence, do you want to get dinner? Or maybe just pick up a pizza or Chinese? We could bring it back to my apartment. It would be nice to visit when we're not surrounded by a zillion cops." _And I feel like I need a sounding board._

He was so intent on learning from her that he didn't even notice she'd just invited him to dinner.

"Sure! But let's get pizza, okay? I don't usually do Chinese."

* * *

"Did you know that pizza is one of the most efficient foods ever invented?"

"Pizza?"

"Yes! You get dairy, grain, vegetable...well, not the tomato, really, that's a fruit…..but you can add vegetables, and you can even get a pretty good protein boost if you pick the right meat topping."

JJ gave him an uncertain smile, not sure if he was kidding. She'd never noticed him being this analytical about his food.

"Spence, do you really eat it because it's efficient?"

He laughed. "No! I eat it because it tastes so good."

Their separate trips to JJ's apartment had served to interrupt the conversation about communication. Upon arriving to her place, Reid had flashed to the time after his killing of the LDSK. He'd shared himself with JJ more than he could remember ever having done before, with anyone. The idea wanted to put him on edge, but he found himself reacting in a new way this time. He'd been intimate with her, and it hadn't cost him anything. It had only helped him. There was nothing to fear about it, or about her. He found himself completely relaxed in her presence.

The airport conversation may have been interrupted, but JJ remembered it, and wanted to continue. As the pizza wound down, she brought it up again.

"Spence, you were saying that you can't tell if I'm upset about what's happened to a victim…."

Suddenly he was concerned he'd said the wrong thing yet again…..and to a person whose opinion and good standing mattered so much to him.

"I probably said it wrong, JJ. After all, it's me. I just meant that you don't get visibly upset when you have to deal with victims' families, or the press. I didn't mean to imply that you don't care. Quite the contrary. I could tell today that you were upset….I saw it on your face, for just a second…..but then you covered it. You didn't let it show. You kept everything calm. You were great."

She leaned back into the sofa, staring off, thinking.

"I'm not sure that's a good thing, Spence. I mean, what if the families think I don't care? What if they _need_ to see me upset? At least, to see _somebody_ from the FBI upset? What if they think we aren't working hard enough because we're not upset about it?"

He didn't know if the families needed to see her upset….but he was sure_ he_ didn't.

"JJ, I'm sorry if I said the wrong thing. I should know better by now. I should just keep my mouth shut."

"No, Spence. I'm serious about this. Sometimes I think I come across as…._.hard_….you know? I'm afraid I've gotten too hard."

"Why would you think that, JJ? And why would you be 'hard'?"

She stared off for a long time, silent, obviously thinking. Reid was stricken with guilt.

_What? What did I say wrong now? Why can't I learn to shut up?_

After what seemed like forever, JJ finally responded. She'd gone somewhere in her memory. And she'd made a decision to share something she'd not shared with a team member before.

"My sister."

Reid took his own advice and said nothing. Into the silence, JJ spoke again.

"My sister committed suicide."

His eyes riveted to hers. He'd been entrusted with confidence so rarely in his life. But, this, he knew to leave uncommented.

"She was seventeen. And I guess she'd been depressed for a really long time. But I didn't know. I was only eleven. I idolized her. I thought being a teenager was some kind of magical thing, a magical time of life. I was jealous of her having gotten there before me."

She turned her face and gave Reid a wry smile, instantly returned.

"But she wasn't happy. And I had no idea. So, one day, she gave me a gift. A necklace that she knew I loved. She gave it to me. And I thought, 'Wow, we're getting closer. She really does like me.' Because, you know, I was the pain in the neck little sister who always got into her things. So I was so excited that she would give me _anything_, let alone the necklace that I loved."

Tears rolled down JJ's cheeks as she chanced a glimpse of Reid's face. His eyes were still firmly fastened to her, holding sympathy and support.

"What I didn't realize was…she gave it to me because she didn't need it anymore. She wasn't going to wear it again. Because the next thing she did was to go to her room and swallow a fistful of pills. My mom found her that night, after she didn't come down to dinner."

Reid could barely find his voice. "She died?"

JJ nodded. "She left a note. It said we shouldn't feel bad about it. That she would be released from the pain she was in. But we _did_ feel bad about it, Spence. Because none of us realized about the pain. She always tried to look normal, like she wasn't upset."

_Like I just described you. You're an idiot, Spencer Reid. _He was disgusted with himself, despite the fact that he couldn't have known. _Now what are you going to say? _But there _was_ only one way to respond to such a disclosure._  
_

"I'm sorry." He expounded. "I'm sorry that you went through that. And I'm sorry she was in so much pain."

JJ looked a brief thanks at him, but it was overwhelmed by a residual bitterness. "Don't you want to know what the pain was about?"

He shook his head. Now they were in familiar territory. "It doesn't have to be about anything. It's just…pain. And, if they feel it, whether or not it makes sense to us, it's real."

He had her attention now. "You sound like you're familiar with this, Spence."

As she said it, she remembered his claiming to understand the deluded unsub who'd taken the train hostage.

JJ would be the first person he'd actually told about this. Even Gideon had found out by looking at some social service records.

"I am." He hesitated. He was sure he didn't mind her knowing. But not as sure that _she_ wouldn't mind knowing. Still, he felt ready to share with this one, trusted colleague and friend.

"My mom is schizophrenic. Institutionalized."

JJ's eyes widened. "Your mother is?"

He nodded. "She was sick since I was a boy. And there were plenty of times she found life to be too much. I knew some of the emergency services guys by their first names."

"Spence, how did she take care of you?"

"Mostly, I took care of her, I guess."

JJ was slowly coming to realize that Reid's genius wasn't the only thing that made him remarkable.

"And now she's…."

"In a psychiatric facility. Bennington. Courtesy of her only son." Now that he'd started talking about it, Reid was having trouble holding anything back, despite thinking that he should.

"What do you mean?"

He took a deep breath as he resettled himself on the sofa. "I mean that, right after I turned eighteen, I called EMS to evaluate her. I knew she was in a psychotic break. I knew they'd take her."

She could hear the self-reprobation in his voice. "Wasn't that a good thing? Didn't it help her get the care she needed?"

Reid's laugh was bitter. "It got her where _I_ needed her to be. The help she needed….needs….apparently isn't to be found. Psych meds are great for a lot of people. But there's always a subset where they don't work as well. And she seems to be in that subset."

JJ watched the expression on Reid's face move from its obvious anger at himself, to regret.

"Spence, I never knew. I never would have known. I'm sorry." She reached out a hand to cover his. "But I'm glad you told me." She could sense that it had been a difficult, and rare, decision for him to make.

He shook himself. "How did we get on this, anyway?"

Now it was her turn to be uncomfortable again. _Why did I think this would be a good idea?_

But she responded to him. "I was telling you about my sister. Because you noticed that I seem too..what, maybe..stoic? when I'm dealing with victims' families or the press."

"There's nothing wrong with how you do it, JJ. I think you do a great job."

"But _I_ don't think so, Spence. I don't want anyone to think I don't care enough. It's just that…..well, I think I learned not to show it. Because, after I lost my sister, and everyone…family, friends, teachers, social workers, guidance counselors…..everyone seemed to think I should talk about it. But all I wanted to do was to hold it in, hold it close. The pain was all I still had to share with her. So I wouldn't show it. I wouldn't let them know how upset I was. I told them all I was all right."

He understood far more than she could have imagined.

"I know what you mean. I had to pretend all the time. I had to make it look okay, for all of them. Or else they would have taken me away."

"From your family?" She knew it happened all the time, but it had never happened to anyone she knew.

"From my mom. It was only the two of us, from the time I was eleven. My dad found it all too hard."

JJ tried not to look as shocked as she was. It couldn't have been farther from her own experience.

"Your father left you? With your mother so sick?"

"Now you know why I spent my childhood obsessed with superheroes. Dad was my hero until he left. After that, I knew it would take someone superhuman. So I became totally focused on the idea that a superhero could save us….Superman, Batman….anyone who would be willing to come in and fight the evil."

JJ wasn't sure if she should be smiling, but she was. "You believed in them? You thought they were real?"

He snorted. "Believed in them? I practically prayed to them. I knew everything about them. I even collected them. Comic books, figures, stickers. Anything. I loved science fiction, and I knew that it was often based on some element of truth…so, I thought, why not? Why not be saved by a superhero?"

JJ was suddenly silent again, pondering.

"Hmm. You collected superheroes. You want to know what I collected?"

"What?"

"Butterflies. I loved them for their color. And it was so cool that they started out as ugly caterpillars and then became these beautiful things. I was hoping the same thing could happen for me. I actually had a few of them in jars, and I would feed them and look at them for hours."

She shifted so that she was facing him.

"But then, one day, my dad took me to the natural history museum. And I saw loads of butterflies….but they were all dead, and pinned to these boards. And…I don't remember this, but my dad tells the story…..I just ran away, crying. Because they were all kept from doing what they did best….flying free and looking beautiful. It was only a short time after that when my sister died. And, once I could think again, one of my first thoughts was just that….that she was flying free, and looking beautiful. And do you know what I did then?"

"No, what?" Barely audible, realizing he was hearing long-protected information.

"I opened every jar and let every one of those butterflies fly free. And I never collected a single one after that."

"Because you knew you couldn't confine them just for your own sake."

She nodded. "Like my sister. I didn't see it that way then, of course. But I do now. She needed something that we couldn't give her, no matter how much we loved her. So she freed herself, and we had to let her go."

JJ's voice broke with the final sentence, and her tears flowed freely.

He would marvel at it later. That he would know what to do, and actually do it. But in the moment, Reid reacted in the only way he possibly could. He moved closer and put his arm around her. JJ turned her face into his chest.

They sat in silence for a few minutes before she sniffed against him.

"Sorry. I don't know why it still affects me so much. It happened so long ago."

He pushed away a little, so he could see her. But he kept his hand on her shoulder.

"Maybe because you loved her that much."

She nodded. "Maybe."

"Thank you, JJ."

She looked at him, puzzled. "For what?"

"For telling me. For trusting me enough. You know, sometimes other people tell me things...secrets, things they haven't told anyone else...but I've always thought they did it because they knew it was safe. That I wouldn't tell anyone, because I didn't have anyone to tell. But no one has ever trusted me with their feelings. Like I wouldn't get it, or something."

She squinted at him, taking his measure. "But you do, don't you? You feel quite a bit, Spencer Reid. I can tell."

He gave his shy smile before responding. "And so do you, Jennifer Jareau. And _I_ can tell. And, if I can, so can the families you're worried about. Please don't ever wonder about that. They can see that you've been there. And that you understand. And I'll bet they're relying on you holding steady when they can't. They need you to do that for them. It doesn't make you unfeeling. It makes you strong."

He'd brought out her smile. "Thanks, Spence. I needed this tonight. I just...thanks."

He couldn't believe it. Apparently he'd said the right thing. Reid grinned broadly, feeling a rare burst of confidence.

"You're welcome. Hey, JJ. Not to change the subject or anything, but...have you ever heard of Comic Con?"


	9. Chapter 9

**Prelude**

**Chapter 9**

The NYPD was very experienced, and very well-resourced. So it was unusual for the team to have a call out to 'The City'. But they did, and Reid was excited about it. He'd grown up with the lights and glitz of Vegas, but he'd only heard and read about the nation's true metropolis.

"I'm sorry they're in trouble, but I'm kind of looking forward to seeing it." He spoke as he made his discard. He, JJ and Elle were playing cards en route, having already been fully briefed on the case.

"Kid, are you kidding me? You've never been to New York City?" Morgan was incredulous. The others shared his sentiment, but were polite enough not to say so.

Reid did as he always did when he thought one of his colleagues was pointing out a deficiency. He ceased eye contact, and shut up. JJ, sitting next to him, had long since noticed this 'tell' about when he felt awkward, or chastised. She knew he needed support, and she gave it readily.

"It's all right, Spence. If we have some time, I'd love to show you some of the sights."

"Really?"

_Yeah, really?_ thought Morgan.

"Really. It will be fun. You'll see."

Reid sincerely hoped he _would_ see. He could only wish for a quick resolution to the case, or timing that would make it difficult for the jet to leave in a hurry.

* * *

The glitz and glamour was more subdued than in Vegas, but the historic architecture, the sheer enormity of the buildings, and the vibrant energy of the people all combined to make Reid fall in love with the city. And that was even without JJ showing him the sights. He couldn't restrain himself from talking about it at dinner.

"It's amazing! I grew up in Vegas, but I've never seen this many people moving around a city in my whole life. And they're all headed somewhere. There's no dawdling. Even the tourists seem like they're in a hurry."

As he spoke, he made yet another unsuccessful attempt to pick up a morsel of food with his chopsticks.

JJ had already quietly spoken to Hotch about it. Their leader would find a reason for them to spend some extra time in New York. After all, he'd reasoned, they couldn't have the genius on their team unfamiliar with the country's most famous city. JJ would be able to show Reid some of the reasons New York was so revered.

"Thanks, Hotch. It's just….I don't think he would ever come here on his own, and…"

"I know, JJ. And thank you for offering to show him around."

_It's not a hardship, Hotch._ She was surprised that no one else on the team seemed to realize that.

Now she had to rescue him from his dilemma at dinner. They were all teasing him about not having gotten any food into his mouth using the chopsticks provided. All of them had laughed when he'd asked the waiter for a fork. It was good-natured ribbing, but JJ realized that Reid was a bit thin-skinned in this type of situation.

"Here, Spence, see if this helps." She joined the chopsticks with a rubber band, and demonstrated how to use them.

He was grateful that at least one of them wasn't laughing at him. But he still only succeeded in bringing a single strand of noodle _near_ his mouth. _And they wonder why I can't gain weight._

In short order, Gideon was notified of another victim, and the dinner was aborted. Not so Reid's appetite. _Hungry again._

* * *

They'd gotten their unsub, a court clerk determined to exact retribution for what he perceived were uncompensated crimes. And, to Reid's delight, the team would be in New York until the following afternoon.

"JJ, did you mean what you said? Will you show me around? I mean, I don't want to be any trouble…..if you might have other plans…."

"My only plans are with you, Spence. What would you like to see first? The museums? The Empire State Building? Macy's?"

"I think I'd like to see Ground Zero, actually."

The site of one of the most devastating attacks ever on US soil. JJ hadn't seen it herself, and wanted to. She'd been to Windows on the World, at the top of the World Trade Center. But not to the hole in the ground left when the towers fell.

"So would I. Anybody else?" The team was just breaking its meeting at the end of the case. Hotch and Gideon declined, having been to New York since the attack, and made the same pilgrimage. But Morgan and Elle decided to accompany them.

The foursome approached the area silently. It seemed most of the people present were quiet, in marked contrast to the rest of the city. It felt sacred, and they all behaved as though they were in a place of worship.

The profilers stood with their hands on the railing, looking down into the space that was being reconstructed as a memorial to those lost. But none of them saw the construction. Each mind's eye was focused on scenes from that terrible day, each heart remembering how it felt to be broken. Without a word, each of the foursome slid a hand along the railing to the next, so that all four were joined in the moment. Neither that day, nor its memory, was meant to be lived alone.

Morgan needed to move away from it, and broke off. Elle followed him, leaving Reid and JJ connected at the rail.

"I'm gonna head on back. I need to pick up a couple of things for my sisters. They'd kill me if they thought I'd been to the city without shopping for them."

"Ooh, shopping, yes! I'll come too. See you guys for dinner tonight?" Elle had her arm linked with Morgan's, prepared to set off.

"We're not sure yet, Elle. One of us will call you later on." JJ didn't want any time constrictions on their tour.

As their colleagues headed off, JJ and Reid walked over to Battery Park, and took up seats on the seawall. From there, they could see the Statue of Liberty.

"She's beautiful, JJ. Just to think, she was the first thing so many people saw when they came stateside to start their new lives."

JJ shook her head. "I always loved history when I was a kid. I used to try to picture myself living in another time, and wonder what my life would have been like. But just the journey over was grueling for so many people. So many died on the way. The people who made it here had to be really tough. I don't know that I would have it in me."

Reid shifted his gaze from Lady Liberty to the woman beside him.

"You're tougher than you think you are. You don't look it...but I've seen you handle some pretty rough characters. Maybe not physically…but they sure do seem to learn not to mess with Jennifer Jareau."

That brought a surprised smile on her face. _Is he teasing me?_ Despite her best efforts, he'd never quite relaxed enough to do that before. She laughed with pleasure at the change.

"Yeah? Well, then you'd just better make sure you do as I say, Spencer Reid."

"Don't I always?"

Actually, he did. Mostly because he trusted her to lead him in the right direction, and he'd become dependent on her to show him which it was. Today, that direction was about to lead them to another NYC landmark.

"Next stop, the Empire State Building. As in 'Sleepless in Seattle'."

He looked puzzled, not recognizing the reference. "Don't you mean 'An Affair to Remember'?" _  
_

Now she was surprised. "You know that movie?" She'd always been told it was a 'chick flick'.

"I thought I told you, my mom was a major fan of old movies. On the days when she couldn't bring herself to get out of bed, when she couldn't even read, she would have me roll the TV into her bedroom, and spend the whole time watching old films."

"And you watched with her?" JJ tried to picture a young Spencer lying next to his mother, watching the classics.

He shrugged. "It was the only way to spend time together on those days. She didn't even like to talk much then. She'd just recite the characters' dialogues."

Every time he told her a new detail, the strangeness of Reid's early life became more clear to JJ. _It's not surprising he has difficulty in social situations. It's just a wonder he's as good as he is._

They'd been walking and talking, keeping apace with the hurried New Yorkers, and now they were at their destination. Reid held the door for JJ and followed her into the lobby, where they both stopped short.

"Whoa."

"You're right. I didn't expect that. I guess I haven't been here since I was a girl."

The line was at least forty deep. And that was just for the tickets. There was a second line for the elevators.

"It's all right. I'd rather see more of the sights, if it's all the same to you."

"Fine by me, Spence. Maybe we'll make another trip someday."

He laughed. "I don't think New York will be anxious to need the BAU again anytime soon."

She smiled. "I meant, just to visit. It would be great to come here at Christmas time. That's what I remember most from when I was young."

_Before my sister died. When it was still fun. _It had been a long time before she'd visited the Big Apple again.

"What's so special about Christmas in New York?" They were again walking briskly with the crowd, but he hadn't any idea where she was bringing him.

"What's so spec…..Spence, haven't you ever heard of Radio City Music Hall? Or the tree? Or Macy's? Wasn't 'Miracle on 34th Street' one of the classics you watched with your mom?"

He was familiar with the reference, but not the actual film. "My mom wasn't a big fan of traditional holidays. She thought they were government plots to distract the masses."

JJ stopped short, and was run into by three people following behind her. Reid had to grab her arm to keep her from falling. When the chaos was sorted out, they started out again, but he kept a hand on her arm.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, sorry, that was stupid. Typical tourist."

"What made you stop like that?"

"What you said. That your mother didn't believe in celebrating the holidays. Does that mean you didn't celebrate Christmas?"

The shock in her tone made him almost embarrassed to answer. "Well, my dad wanted to celebrate, at least a little. So we got each other a gift, but that was about it. I remember he brought home a tree one year, but we had to get rid of it, because my mom thought the wires for the lights were electronic listening devices. We never tried a tree after that. And, after my dad left….well, we didn't do anything at home."

"So you never celebrated anything?"

"At school, a little. That was how I knew about most of the holidays. But it just wasn't something we did at home. I didn't really miss it, JJ." He was feeling a bit defensive of his mother. "I never had it to miss."

She wasn't to be put off. "Well, still. We'll have to get back here for Christmas, then. I want you to see the city as I remember it. We'll see the Rockettes, and the tree, and Macy's window, and FAO Schwartz, and…."

"Now _that_, I've heard of, FAO Schwartz. Isn't that the place where you can play with the toys?"

"Like in 'Big'?" She looked at him, suspecting this to be a cultural reference he _would _know.

She was right. "Exactly! The big piano! Can we go see that?"

"It's a little bit of a walk from here, but…sure, if you want to." JJ pointed ahead of them. "Do you know where you are now?"

The JumboTron gave it away. "We're in Times Square!"

"We are."

"Wow." He spun slowly around, taking in sights he'd only seen on his television screen before this. Then he gifted her with some 'useful' facts.

"Did you know the time ball marking the new year has been dropped every year since 1907? Well, 1908, really. It fell one second after midnight that year. And it's fallen every year since, except 1942 and 1943, because there was a blackout due to the war. They think at least a million people are here every New Year's Eve."

JJ was amazed. He hadn't known they would be going to Times Square. _He just had that information inside his head somewhere. _

And he wasn't done. "There have been six balls over the years. The most recent was put into use in 2009. It's an icosahedral geodesic sphere."

JJ gave the slow nod associated with a lack of understanding. "Really." Then she spied something she'd been looking for. "There's the newest thing _I'm_ interested in. C'mon, let's go inside!"

Later, he would reflect, _I had no idea one could spend quite that much time in the M&M store._

* * *

They hadn't met up with Morgan and Elle for dinner after all, being too full from the requisite feast of New York pizza and vendor pretzels.

"See, I'm right, aren't I? You've never really had pizza before, have you? Outside New York, it's all just 'round food'."

He had to admit it. She _was _right. He'd not had quite that taste experience before. But he wouldn't mind having it again.

"I always knew I liked pizza better than Chinese. But, before this, I thought it was just because of the utensils."

She laughed. "Did you ever actually get anything to eat last night, Spence?"

He shook his head. "But I had an amazing bagel this morning. I think I might have to come back just to _eat_ my way through New York."

"I'm in for that! Any time."

He didn't dare look at her for as long as he wanted to. _How about tomorrow? And the next day? And the next? _ But he couldn't actually say what he was feeling. Or why he was feeling it. Instead, he asked another question.

"Did you mean what you said before, JJ? About coming back sometime….maybe at Christmas?"

She heard something in his voice. Hope? Longing? And suddenly she wasn't sure she should feed it. Wasn't sure how he felt, or how _she_ felt. But they _had_ enjoyed themselves today. And they _were_ getting closer. _Why not?_

"Of course, Spence. When we get back, we should look at our calendars and plan a long weekend. Providing we don't have a case, of course."

Of course.

* * *

But they _did_ have a case. And it took them as far away from New York as one could get in the contiguous forty-eight. Reid had accompanied Gideon to an event in LA, and as luck would have it, they stumbled into a case that required the whole team to join them. One that would leave both JJ and Reid ruminating after it was over.

She wasn't accustomed to buying such magazines, usually didn't even notice them in the rack. But the familiar face on the cover beckoned to her. And she found herself opening it and reading even before she left the parking lot.

_But they always make these things up, right? He wouldn't have…he...he just met her!_

Having been caught off guard about it before, JJ was more attuned to the fact that she was feeling just a little bit jealous at the thought of Reid with someone else. Especially a Hollywood starlet.

_Maybe I'm_ _more than a little bit jealous. But I shouldn't be, right? I mean, we've never actually gone on a real date. And we're not involved. Are we?_

She began to think about the term.

_What does 'involved' mean, anyway? That we care about each other? Check. That we're in each other's lives? Check. That we rely on each other? Check, sort of. That we're romantic? No check._

But that was something that could change. The question was, did she want it to? Did he?

At the BAU, Reid was sitting in the near dark, illuminated only by the work lamp on his desk. He'd just tossed his copy of the same magazine into the trash bin at his side. The whole LA experience had been anathema to him.

His entire prior life experience had taught him to avoid beautiful young women at all costs. All of them had been treacherous to him. Until JJ. And, now, Lila. A second gorgeous creature who managed to be nice, as well. And who had a particular interest in him. He didn't have precedent for this in his life, and now it had happened twice. He wasn't at all sure how to deal with it.

Not to mention The Kiss. He was an experienced kisser, if you counted pillows and arms. But kissing the flesh and blood opposite sex had eluded the child prodigy, who'd mostly been a good eight or ten years younger, not to mention a foot shorter, than his targets. But Lila…..she'd kissed him, and he'd kissed her back. As though he'd done it all his life_. _

_I kissed her! In the pool! Just like I knew what I was doing!_

But then she'd been angry with him for not telling her about the death of her manager, even though he was acting under orders. And then he'd wrestled her female stalker, and managed to keep any of them from getting hurt. As much as he was nonplussed by the sexual aspects of the whole experience, he was thrilled to have captured an unsub without violence. _It can be done. And I can do it._

Reid even thought he saw a new respect in Morgan's eyes. The older profiler had seemed impressed with his younger colleague's turn in the spotlight. Reid had sensed enough of a closing of the distance between them that he'd actually asked Morgan for advice.

He'd asked if the more experienced man had ever gotten involved with anyone from a case. And, despite Morgan's reputation, whether deserved or not, as a womanizer, the man had told Reid, "No. Never."

As flattered as Reid had been at Lila's interest, as exciting as her advances had been, he was still relieved to hear it from Morgan. Because most of him knew his heart was otherwise engaged. And he needed an excuse to let go of the temptation in Los Angeles.

But he didn't need to let go of the memory. Reid retrieved the magazine from his trash bin and locked it securely in his bottom drawer. He might not ever visit it again. But it was nice to know it was there.


	10. Chapter 10

**Prelude**

**Chapter 10**

_Vacation. They're all saying the word like it's a good thing. But that's only because they have other plans. Other than going home. Other than spending time in a mental hospital. Other than watching someone fade away. Why won't Hotch let me stay and work? Garcia will still be here. And so will JJ. I could work with her. I could sit in her office, and go through the zillion files on her desk. I could sit in her office and talk with her. I could sit in her office with her…_

Vaguely, in the periphery of his vision, Reid could see Morgan and Elle stacking things on their desks, putting things in drawers, smiles on their faces, getting ready to go. Since Hotch had taken over the administrative tasks from Gideon, he'd run things as tightly as they could on what was essentially an emergency service. He'd asked them all to reach consensus on vacation requests, and put in for the entire team at once. Excluding, of course, Garcia, who was, technically, part of a different service, and JJ.

_Why can't she be off with the rest of us? Maybe I could have stayed around for a few days, and we'd have done something. _

But the FBI had other plans. JJ would work through the others' vacations, and have a full case- and work- schedule waiting for them when they got back.

_But then that means she'll have another two weeks off when we're all working. That means another two weeks without her._

She'd become an increasing part of his daily thought process. He would look to see if the light was on in her office each time he arrived to the BAU, and stop to say goodbye if it was still on when it was time to leave. Reid especially treasured those moments at the end of the day. JJ was always more than ready for a break, and welcomed his visits. For the first time in his life, he found himself successfully making small talk.

_We know enough about each other to do it. I know what she might find interesting. And she knows the same about me….well, I guess I find everything interesting, so I'm easy. But that's what it takes. I just never knew anyone so well before. And no one has ever known me._

He was also becoming dependent on her for the success of his interactions with others. Without them having ever discussed or planned it, he'd fallen into the habit of searching out her response whenever he spoke publicly, whenever he delivered a profile or taught a task force about some obscure concept or set of facts. JJ would give him a subtle nod or shake of the head to cue him about whether he was communicating well. And she'd even gotten into the habit of shifting her position to let him know if he'd gone on too long. Very gradually, JJ was pleased to see, Reid started to pick up on nuances of others' behaviors as well. The 'JJ crash course in social integration' was beginning to pay off.

There had been no more 'undates' alone, but JJ had orchestrated a few evenings out for drinks for the junior members of the team, recognizing the benefit of spending some bonding time _not_ in the pursuit of a serial killer. Had it been anyone but JJ, Reid would probably have declined the invitation. But it _was_ JJ, and it was an opportunity to spend more time with her. In the process, he was getting to know Morgan and Elle as well.

"Hey, if it isn't the pretty boy. Want to change your mind and come with us to the islands?"

Morgan was feeling magnanimous, inviting Reid along with himself and Elle. He had a connection at the resort that would be hosting them.

Reid wasn't feeling so magnanimous. Especially about having been called 'the pretty boy'. It was a term dangerously close to some that had been used with malicious intent when he was in high school.

"No, thanks. I've got other plans."

"What are you doing?" Elle was curious about what might outrank a week in Jamaica.

"I'm going home. To visit my family."

JJ had been passing by and caught the final exchange. Apart from Gideon, she was the only one on the team who knew that Reid's family consisted of only one other person, and that she resided in a mental hospital. JJ made a silent note to herself to catch Reid before he left.

_He doesn't look or sound happy about it. But I'm sure he'll never let the others know._

Gideon swept out of his office and bade everyone a good two weeks off. He would be spending his with Sarah. Hotch followed soon after, a rare smile on his face. JJ smiled in return. She probably worked the most closely with Hotch, running cases by him for BAU involvement, deciding together on how to handle the locals…..both press and LEOs. She was glad to see him looking relaxed, clearly anticipating the time alone with his wife and infant son. _You deserve it._

Even as she had the thought, JJ sensed Reid sweeping by her as well, evidently in a hurry to get somewhere…..or just in a hurry to get away from the inquiring minds of Morgan and Elle.

"Spence!" She ran off after him, catching him at the elevator.

"Are you in that much of a hurry?" She tried to catch her breath as she spoke.

He didn't seem to want to make eye contact.

"I have a plane to catch." He impatiently pushed the 'down' button two more times.

"Well, maybe I can walk you to the door while we chat."

"What do we need to chat about?"

He'd seemed annoyed, and JJ was surprised that she wasn't having her usual luck in bringing him out of it.

"Spence, are you upset with me?"

That broke him. "No. I just….nothing. I'm not upset with you."

For the first time in her memory, JJ was grateful at the slow progress of the FBI elevator.

"Well, good, then. I just asked because you don't look that happy to be starting on your vacation. And I was wondering…" Suddenly she was shy about bringing it up. _I don't really have the right, do I_? But it was Spence, and she knew no one_ else_ was going to worry about him…..

"You just don't seem that happy to be going to visit your mom."

"JJ, my mom lives in a mental hospital. Granted, it's a good one, and she seems happy there…or at least as happy as she knows how to be….but it's still a mental hospital. Do you understand what that's like?"

She was effectively silenced. What could she possibly say to that? Nothing but the truth.

"You're right. I don't. I haven't a clue what it's like. I'm not even sure I can imagine it. But I can see that it upsets you. That's all, Spence. That's the only reason I asked. I just wanted to make sure you were all right." She paused, as she studied him. "Are you? All right, that is?"

He had the grace to look abashed at having challenged her, when all she wanted was to reach out to him. Reid studied the floor as he replied to her.

"I'm all right. I'm used to it, JJ. As used to it as someone can get, anyway. It's just that…it's just…..it's not all that enjoyable, you know? The place is okay, and Dr. Norman is great…..but….none of the people there are free. They're all trapped by their own minds. And…..after you spend a little time there….you start to feel it yourself. Like it could happen to you. It's sad. And it's scary."

At the time, she didn't fully understand what he meant. Didn't fathom the reality of the fear on his part, nor the truth of its threat.

The elevator bell rang as JJ reached out to him, laying a hand on his arm.

"I'm sorry, Spence. You were right to think I didn't know. I didn't. But I hope you have a good visit with your mother. Hurry home."

_Home_, he thought. _Not Vegas. But here. Home. Where JJ is._

* * *

_Vacation doesn't seem to last very long around here._

Garcia was furiously typing away at her keyboard, annoyed that the BAU team was reassembling so quickly after having left. Advances in electronics, and the availability of more and more information on line, had paradoxically limited the number of teams she could support at the same time. The more information available to find, the more tasks assigned her, and the more she needed to focus her energies. She was now one of a larger team of technical analysts, and while she assisted with others, her primary duties were now with the BAU. So, with the majority of the team away, she was able to catch up on some system maintenance….and to play. But now they were coming back early, and she had to get ready for them.

JJ ran into Garcia's lair with folders in hand. "Reid's meeting the others at the site. His plane just landed."

"Did you see Elle? She looked awful."

JJ nodded. "I know. I guess that's what happens when you spend the entire night being interrogated as a suspect in a murder case."

Garcia agreed. "But it's not as bad as opening a package to find a severed head looking back at you." She shivered at the thought of what Gideon's Sarah must have experienced. "Remind me to never go on vacation with these people."

JJ had actually been wishing she might have had some overlapping time off with Reid. She'd wanted to show him some parts of the city she thought his proclivities wouldn't lead him to. But now she wasn't so sure. "I think you might be right, Pen."

"Oh, I almost forgot, Jayje. Speaking of packages….that one came for you earlier."

It was too flat to hold a head, JJ realized with a sense of relief. But she still gasped when she opened it.

"A butterfly. Who would send me a butterfly?"

* * *

Elle was exhausted, both physically and emotionally. She'd been held and grilled for hours, in a foreign country, uncertain whether her status as a US federal agent would hold any weight against a charge of murder. _Thank God for Morgan._ He'd been able to run interference, to call for help, to effectively hold her together until they could get back to DC.

And now she was grateful for her other junior team member as well. Having bonded over their shared experience in the train car, the relationship between the two had lost its awkwardness. And Elle had developed a respect for Reid's good heart as well as his formidable intellect. _And now he's going to come in and solve the case for us….aren't you, Reid?_ He'd already figured out several layers of cryptic messages left for them at the newest murder scene.

"Don't ever leave us again," she'd teased him. And he'd smiled, glad to have been of help…and happy to have received good-natured teasing for a change.

* * *

An unsub was targeting the team. So far, he didn't seem to be interested in hurting any of them. But he _was_ interested in hurting other people, and involving the team by implication. And he'd started sending gifts. Reid counted himself lucky to have received only a key, and not a severed head.

The team meeting had been tense, as they realized the unsub had known the exact whereabouts of each of them. It had gotten even tenser when Gideon exploded at poor Penelope, whose online gaming had apparently given the unsub access to classified information. There were shared glances all around the table as their leader gave voice to his frustration. JJ and Reid settled their eyes on one another, communicating their discomfort with the situation, their concern for Garcia…..and a realization of something else.

Seeing her exhaustion, Hotch sent Elle home right after the team meeting. At the same time, JJ pulled Reid aside.

"Spence…..I've never told anyone else."

"You didn't." It wasn't a question. Although she'd not asked him to keep her confidence, he'd had the sense that she had shared the story only with him. "So, how…"

"Exactly. How? Could he have been listening to us? But we were at my place….." Her eyes went wide. "Spence, do you think he's been to my apartment?" Now she was unnerved.

So was he. "I don't know. But I don't think you should be there alone, just in case."

"But where…"

"Maybe Garcia could put you up for a few days, until we figure this out_._" _A few days._ _Dr. Optimist._

"I guess I could ask her."

"Please, JJ. I would feel better…" He stopped himself abruptly. _You idiot, why would it matter to her how it makes you feel?_

But JJ didn't mind. It felt….affectionate….protective….nice. And although she'd been about to remind him that she was an FBI agent, she didn't. She knew how he'd meant it, and she appreciated it.

Still, she had another thought. "You didn't tell anyone else, did you?"

"Who would I…." Reid stopped abruptly, mid-sentence, his mouth falling open in discovery.

"What? Spence, what?" JJ could see his eyes moving rapidly back and forth, as though he was scanning something. _His memory. His eidetic memory._

Once his eyes stopped moving, she asked him again.

"What? You remembered something, didn't you?"

"My mother. I told my mother. I write her a letter every day, and I always tell her something important from my day. But I never gave it a second thought before. I mean, I'm never even sure she's able to read the letters, let alone tell anyone about them."

JJ couldn't help but notice that her telling him about her childhood love of butterflies had apparently been deemed an 'important' part of Spence's day.

"Did you write to her about the baseball card?"

The eyes started scanning again. "Not the card. But I told her about Gideon being a baseball fan." He started for the door, clearly agitated.

"Where are you…"

He turned, cutting her off. "Tell Hotch and Gideon. There's something I have to do."

* * *

Hours, and several false leads, later, the team was reassembling in the round table room. Elle had been shot, raising the stakes in the case sky high.

JJ raced in quickly…..and stopped short. There, sitting in a chair pushed up against the wall, was an older, female version of Spencer Reid. _He brought her here_? She flashed a look at Reid.

_You'll understand in a minute._ He walked over to stand next to the woman. "JJ, I'd like to introduce you to my mother, Diana Reid. Mom, this is Jennifer Jareau. JJ. My friend."

Apart from the Reids, JJ was the only other person in the room who knew anything at all about the woman's history. Morgan had entered right behind her, and been introduced as well. He had a 'what the…" look to his face. But JJ simply smiled, and shook her hand, noting that Diana gave hers far more easily than her son had done when JJ had first met him.

Reid went on to explain Diana's presence, and her connection to the case. JJ thought she read guilt in his voice as he spoke, as though he'd put the lunatic plan of their unsub into play, and gotten Elle shot, simply by writing to his mother. _Oh, Spence. _

When the meeting was over, the team dispersed too quickly for JJ to talk to him about it.

* * *

"Is he all right? Garcia, is he all right?"

They'd been told Reid had been trying to reason with the unsub when the crazed man had blown himself up.

"Did he get hurt? Did any of them?"

"Calm down, Jayje. Morgan said he got singed when his clothes went on fire…"

"He was on fire?!"

"Just for a minute. Morgan and Hotch put him out. He's okay, Jayje. And they got the girl."

_Thank God._ "Does his mother know?"

"He made Morgan promise to tell us not to say anything to her until he's back. He didn't want to worry her."

_He doesn't want her to decompensate._ JJ decided to go and sit with Diana while they waited for the rest of the team to return.

"Mrs. Reid?" Diana hadn't moved from the seat, nor the position, she'd been left in at the end of the team meeting. "Mrs. Reid, can I get you anything? Tea? Coffee?"

The older woman startled slightly, as though she'd been lost in thought. "Oh. Thank you, dear, that would be nice."

JJ wasn't sure if she was saying yes to tea or coffee, so she made a mug of each, and placed both of them before Diana, planning to take whatever the older woman didn't want.

Diana smiled at her when she returned. But it was a strange kind of smile, one that didn't quite raise the corners of her mouth, and that barely reached her eyes.

"Thank you. Jennifer, was it?"

"Yes ma'am. But most people call me JJ."

"Thank you, Jennifer."

JJ couldn't help but smile at the woman's formality. It was so reminiscent of Reid when he first joined the team.

"Spencer is on his way back. They've caught the man who was responsible for the killings, and they were able to save the girl he was holding."

"My boy is so smart, isn't he? And brave, too. He had to be, growing up. I'm glad he's using it to help people now. But I wish he wasn't working for ….._the government_."

She'd whispered the final words, eyes shifting around the room as though looking for spy equipment.

JJ was skilled at dealing with the press, and handling grieving families. Paranoia wasn't her strong suit.

_Do I play along with her? Or do I reassure her? How in the world did Spence know how to deal with this as a boy?_

Admiration and understanding for her friend again crept up a notch.

She decided on diversion. "How long will you be visiting Spence?"

"_Spencer_ didn't tell me. He just sent some goons to wrestle me onto an airplane. He _knows_ I'm afraid to fly. Why would he do that to me? Why?" The woman was clearly getting more agitated.

JJ started praying for Reid to hurry back. _I just keep making this worse and worse_.

Her prayers were answered. In her peripheral vision, JJ saw Hotch, Reid and Morgan arrive back to the bullpen.

"Excuse me, Mrs. Reid. I'll be right back."

She met Reid on the stairs, detecting the scent of burned fabric.

"Spence, are you all right? Were you burned?"

"Just my clothes." He showed her the back of his pants leg, where the fabric had burned through. JJ could see a blister forming on the exposed skin.

"Not just your clothes, Spence. I can see it on your leg...that's a bad burn!"

He angled his head back to look. From the time he realized the unsub was going to detonate the bomb, right up until he'd returned to the BAU, Reid had been on an adrenaline rush. He hadn't even felt the pain.

"Oh. All right, I'll take care of it later. How is my mom doing? She doesn't know, does she?"

JJ looked guilty. "I'm sorry, Spence. I was trying to keep her company, but I'm afraid I got her upset. Well, not me, I guess. But she was upset because she thought we were spying on her, and she doesn't like to fly, and …."

A look of recognition mixed with sorrow crossed Reid's face. There was such distance between them now, he'd almost allowed himself to think she was somehow different. Not normal, maybe, but….better. Now, he was hearing a recounting that could have been about any of thousands of days he'd spent with her in his youth.

"I'm sorry you had to deal with that, JJ. It wasn't you. There wasn't anything you could have done to change it. Believe me, I know."

She put a hand on his arm. "I'm sorry, Spence. Should I go back up with you?"

He shook his head. "I'll deal with it. Thanks for trying."

* * *

Hotch had said nothing about Diana's condition, despite the fact that she'd gotten a bit loud about being surrounded by feds. He'd simply told Reid he was sorry that he couldn't let him stay in Vegas for more than a few hours. The jet needed to return right away, to be available in Virginia.

_I didn't even have to ask. He knew a commercial flight would be a disaster. And he knew I had to go with her._ And, in typical Hotch fashion, he hadn't expected any thanks or recognition. _He saw what was necessary, and he made it happen._

Reid knew, from overhearing their comments, that others in the FBI found Aaron Hotchner to be humorless, even cold. They translated it into heartlessness. But Reid knew better. The young genius had experienced nothing but kindness from the man. _He just tries to accomplish it without being noticed. _

Reid was not unfamiliar with kindness. In his younger years, he'd been the recipient of small kindnesses from time to time. Usually it was a neighbor, or an insightful teacher. Even some of the police who regularly responded to Diana's frantic calls about invisible intruders.

But most of them had been transients in his life. Now, for the first time, he was in ongoing relationship with those who helped him and, for the first time, he was in a position to reciprocate. It made him feel bound to them in a way that might have surprised them, had they known. Reid vowed to himself that he would return kindness in kind, without being asked. The vow, and the plan, began to sensitize the needy young man to the needs of others.

Just after the jet landed again in Virginia, Reid was pulled out of his reverie when his phone alerted him to a text message.

HOT CHOCOLATE?

He didn't even have to look to know whom it was from. Ever since the undate, it had been their code for needing to talk. Or thinking that the other might need to. He smiled at the invitation.

TWENTY MINUTES? He texted back.

ALREADY HERE. DOUBLE WHIPPED CREAM WAITING FOR YOU!

He grinned.

SWEET.


	11. Chapter 11

**Prelude **

**Chapter 11**

"Hey, Pretty Boy! How was your weekend?"

Pretty Boy. Apparently the new appellation was going to stick around.

_Should I say something? But it doesn't sound quite like it did back in high school…or college, for that matter. He doesn't seem to be trying to hurt me with it. It's almost like he thinks it's my name. Along with 'Kid'. Kid 'Pretty Boy' Reid, that's me._

"Uneventful. How was yours?"

"Ooh, 'Miss Saturday Night'…she was somethin'". Morgan almost seemed to cultivate his image as a 'playa'.

Reid had gradually become more comfortable with Morgan. Comfortable enough to be sardonic.

"But not the same person as 'Miss Friday Night', right?"

"You trying to make a point, Pretty Boy?"

Reid shrugged as he walked off to refill his coffee mug. "Who, me? Never."

Before he could return to his desk, JJ leaned over the railing from upstairs and called down to tell the bullpen they were wanted in the conference room. Reid exchanged a look with Elle and Morgan. They'd been told there was nothing in the queue for them. Something urgent must have come up.

Reid saw it as soon as he entered the round table room. JJ's stance didn't demonstrate her usual confidence. Something about the case she was about to present was throwing her off. Once she got underway, he understood. She'd lobbied for this one, virtually solicited the police request for them to get involved. And all because of a family connection to the frantic mother of a missing teen.

_She's under pressure. I guess having a family can be a stressful, in its own way, as not having one_.

His profiling skills told him she was also embarrassed about having brought this to the team for such a personal reason. And for having forced them into it, by getting a reluctant police chief to invite them.

* * *

It turned out she'd been right to get the team involved. The girls had been taken, and emotionally brutalized. One of them had died…at the hands of the others. It was something none of the team, including Gideon, had encountered before. And none wished to ever encounter it again. The plane ride home took place in virtual silence.

Reid's book was open on his lap, but he hadn't turned a page in ten minutes. He kept his head down as his eyes kept creeping up to steal glances at JJ. They'd all been affected by what had happened in North Mammon, but he could tell that she was more burdened than the rest. He made a point of waiting near the door after the others had already exited, as JJ made her usual final sweep of the jet, making sure no case materials or personal items had been left behind.

"You okay?" She'd gotten near enough for him to address her.

So far she'd managed to avoid looking at him. He'd already demonstrated his ability to read her, and she didn't want to be read just now. She flashed him a quick glance as she responded.

"Yes."

He raised his brows at her, saying nothing. But it was enough for her to feel his scrutiny.

"No."

"Should we get some hot chocolate?"

She smiled at the offer. "Thanks, Spence. But I really don't feel up to it just now. I think I'd like to just go home. Maybe tomorrow?"

He squinted at her. _Is there something you don't trust me with?_ But all he said was, "Okay. Maybe tomorrow."

* * *

Driving home, Reid's mind went back to their last round of hot chocolate. The night he'd returned from delivering his mother back to Bennington. He'd arrived to the coffee shop to see JJ sitting at what was becoming their favorite table, two steaming cups in front of her, both mounded with whipped cream.

"Wow, you weren't kidding!"

"I told Mandy you'd had a bad day." The older of the two baristas was fond of Reid. JJ suspected the younger one was too, but more in the way of a having a crush on the good looking young man.

Reid looked over his shoulder to the coffee bar and waved his thanks at Mandy, who smiled back at him.

He turned back to JJ with a grin on his face. "I'll bet I got more whipped cream than you did."

"No bet." She laughed, studying him. "So, are you okay?"

He shrugged. "I'm used to it, I guess." He was quiet for a few moments before continuing. Being able to sit in comfortable silence with each other was something both of them treasured.

Then he continued. "It's funny. When she first went to Bennington…when I first had her committed…."

JJ noticed the subtle change in tone as Reid corrected himself. _He still feels so guilty._

"…anyway….when she first went to Bennington, she was so angry. So hurt." He stopped himself again.

_You're not okay, Spence. Why else would you have such trouble talking about it?_

"She hated it. But, gradually, she got better, little by little. The staff there is great with her, especially Dr. Norman. He was excited for her progress at first. But then, the drugs seemed to lose their effect on her, and he had to try others. They would work for a while, and then they would stop being effective. He told me once that he's never had a case like my Mom's before. That usually he can find a regimen and stabilize them on it, and they're able to live on the outside. But every time my Mom got close…..she relapsed. And now the best he can do is to give her a few really clear days now and then. But at least her rages are controlled."

"Rages?"

"Not really angry rages, just…when she was afraid of something, or someone….she would fight them. But most of the time her paranoia is pretty mild, so she's mostly calm."

JJ nodded. "She was starting to get agitated just before you got back from the scene yesterday. I guess all the changes weren't helpful to her trying to stay calm."

Reid looked an apology at JJ. "I'm sorry if she gave you a hard time."

She shook her head, brushing it off. "Don't be sorry, Spence. I'm glad I got to meet her, anyway. You look so much alike."

He smiled at that. "I saw a couple of pictures of her when she was young. She was beautiful. But the illness takes its toll on that as well. It's like her face forgot what a smile was supposed to look like. When she does it, it almost looks like she's trying to imitate somebody else's smile. It doesn't fit on her face. It looks fake."

JJ remembered the strange expression Diana had showed her in the conference room. Reid's description was pretty accurate.

"How was she when you brought her back?"

"That's the funny thing, JJ. She was so upset to have gone to Bennington in the first place. But now it's home for her. The happiest I've seen her in years was when I brought her back there this afternoon."

"Maybe she feels safe there?"

He shrugged. "Maybe. I know she trusts Dr. Norman. I can see it. She looks at him the way she used to look at me."

His eyes were fixed on the table, not able to meet hers. JJ put her hand into his field of vision and raised it so that he would follow it and raise his eyes.

"Used to?"

He broke his gaze off again, alerting her that this was a very tender subject.

"Spence?"

He took in a deep breath and released it before responding.

"She used to trust me, except on her very worst days. But then…"

JJ sat back with a nod of understanding. "But then you got her the help she needed, and it got between you."

He looked at her long enough to give a small smile.

"When you put it that way, it doesn't sound so bad. But, when it happened, she thought I was betraying her. And that's how I felt."

JJ kept steady eyes on him. "You were eighteen, right? How on earth did you get through that on your own? Didn't you have anyone at all to help you?"

He shook his head. "Dad was gone, as you know. And I had gotten as many university degrees as I could without leaving Vegas. I was headed to Cal Tech in three days. It had to be then." He broke his eyes off again. "Sometimes I wonder if I did it because of that. So that I could be away at graduate school, and not have to worry about her."

"That would have been an okay reason, Spence. Making sure she was taken care of."

He wouldn't look up again. "Mm-hmm."

JJ studied the top of Reid's head, trying to read between the lines.

"I gather there's a 'but' in there. What is it?"

It wasn't sad eyes that met hers. Those, she would have expected. But the haunted eyes…those she didn't understand.

"What, Spence?"

"It's true that I didn't want to have to worry about her. That I wanted her to get the help that she constantly refused." Another deep sigh. "But it's also true that I didn't want to watch her. I didn't want to have to witness her devolving into her delusions. I didn't want to be reminded."

"Reminded?"

His reply explained the haunted look to his eyes. It haunted JJ as well.

"Did you know that schizophrenia is genetically inherited?"

* * *

JJ had left him that night and gone home to immediately research everything she could find on schizophrenia. A ten percent risk for those whose parent or sibling is affected. Paranoia. Catatonia. Hallucinations. Delusions. Onset between eighteen and thirty.

_We just celebrated his twenty-fourth birthday. Oh, Spence!_

Yet another layer peeling back in the complex creature that was Spencer Reid.

_What a burden to carry! First, watching your mother lose her life to this awful disease…..and then knowing that it could happen to you, too._ Suddenly JJ had a sense of how important it was to Reid to make his contributions while he was young. _He thinks he may only have a little time. _

She resolved to help him concentrate on the ninety percent who _didn't_ get it. And she added, to her nightly prayer, a petition that he was in that ninety percent.

* * *

This night, Reid was troubled. The case had clearly gotten to JJ, and he hadn't been able to help her with it. He was too new to this type of relationship, and he didn't know how to handle it.

_Do I push her? Probably not. But do I just abandon her? Definitely not._

He began to play the mental game of 'what would JJ do', and acted upon it as soon as he was certain of the answer. For which he was immensely proud of himself.

He pushed her number…..'1'…..on his phone, and waited anxiously through four rings before he was sent to voice mail. He hadn't quite worked through this possibility, so he ended up just staring at the phone until he had the presence of mind to end the call.

_Nice work, Spencer._

Before he had a chance to respond to himself, his phone rang. JJ.

"Hello?"

"Spence? Is that you? Did you just call me?" She sounded a little breathless.

"Um…."

"I was in the other room. I just didn't get to the phone before it rolled over. But then you didn't leave a message. Is everything all right?"

"Umm…..yes. Everything's all right."

"Oh. Good. I thought…well, when you didn't leave a message, I was worried…."

"Sorry, JJ, I didn't mean to worry you. I was caught off guard by the voice mail."

Pause. "So, if everything's all right….why did you call?"

_Go for it, Spencer. You were worried enough to pick up the phone. Follow through!_

He took a deep, calming breath before speaking. "Everything's all right with me. But I had the sense that maybe it wasn't, with you. And I know you didn't want to talk before but…well…I just…..I just wanted to make sure you were okay. To see if maybe you'd changed your mind. To see if you wanted to talk."

He could almost hear her deflating over the phone line. There was a long pause before she spoke again.

"I'm sorry, Spence. I know you were only trying to help. I just…..wasn't ready, I guess. I'm not sure I'm all that ready now. And there's nothing to be done about it anyway. It's all in the past now."

When his eidetic memory played this conversation back to him later, Reid would be thrilled that he'd said what he said next. That he'd actually figured it out_. I'm starting to understand about other people. Or, at least, about this one other person._

"But the case brought you back to it, didn't it? It doesn't exactly seem like the past."

Another long pause. Then, "It doesn't at all. I thought I'd left it all behind me, small town life. But this case brought me right back there. And all I could think was, 'Why do they have to act like that? Why do they treat each other like that?' Because it's so….. vicious….sometimes, you know?"

Reid responded in his quiet voice. "Were they vicious to you?" Unable to picture a situation where the beautiful Jennifer Jareau would have been treated with anything but awe and respect.

He could hear her heaving a sigh.

"They were ugly. To my whole family. My parents, me. Even my sister. And she was gone. How could they do that to her, Spence? They tried to ruin her after she died. And they almost ruined the rest of us in the process."

He could hear her stifling a sob at the end of her speech.

_She's crying. Now what do I do? Nice move, Spencer._

"JJ? Do you want me to come over there?"

"No…no, Spence. I'm sorry. I guess I'm just a little raw."

"Do you not want to talk about it any more?"

Long pause. "I don't know. I….I don't know, I don't see how it can help."

"Well…can it hurt?"

Now he could hear a small smile in her voice.

"I guess not. Sticks and stones, right?"

"Hmph! My mother used to say that to me all the time."

"And?"

"And sometimes the words _can_ hurt you."

"Amen to that."

Reid was more confident this time. _I know she wants to talk. I know she needs to talk._

"So…..will you tell me about it?"

He could hear the intake and exhalation of a deep breath. "I guess. It was after my sister died. She was so pretty, Spence, and smart, and popular. I just wanted to _be_ her, you know? Everybody loved her. Except her. She…..I don't know why….the doctors said it was just a chemical thing….but she didn't love herself. She didn't love her life. She was sad on the inside, she couldn't feel happiness. And…..I'm telling this as the doctors said it to us…..being unable to be happy put her into tremendous pain. So she found the only way out that she could think of."

JJ had already shared most of this with him. Reid knew more of the story needed to come out.

"But afterward…..after people found out about it…they didn't say it to our faces, of course. But they all talked about her. And about us. My parents. Me. Our whole family. How somehow we weren't enough for her. How we'd failed her. Or how something…. awful…. something…damaging…..must have happened to her. Everywhere we went, people stared at us. And even when they didn't say anything, their looks were accusing. They wanted to blame us for what she did."

Reid, even hearing the story so many years after the fact, was ready to go to battle on the people of rural Pennsylvania.

"How could they blame you? It was just an illness." Like my Mom's.

"I don't know if it's like this in every small town, Spence, but the people in our town were just…..small. Everybody knew everybody else. You couldn't get away from it. It's why I couldn't wait for college, so I could leave home."

"They were just afraid, JJ. I saw it a lot when I was growing up. People tried to make my mother's illness somehow her fault, because if it wasn't…"

"If it wasn't her fault, that would mean it could happen to them, too. I know. I didn't understand it as a kid, even though my dad tried hard to help me. But I got there. I understand that they were just afraid. But still….I don't know why they had to make it so much worse for us."

Reid wondered about something. "JJ, don't your parents still live in the same town?"

She gave a bitter laugh. "You're wondering why they didn't just leave, right? Well, my dad….Spence, I love my dad more than I can ever say…..he sat us down one night, my mother and I. And he told us what it would look like if we moved away. That they were right. That our family was broken, and sick. So, he said, we would stay, and show them otherwise."

"Did you?" Almost whispered. Reid wondered if his family might have done the same, if only he'd had a father that would stand by it.

"We did the best we could. The close neighbors were fantastic. They kept us in the social loop of cookouts and holiday parties. My mom probably was the slowest to function again….but we all got there. Not that I didn't still want to get away from the busybodies. But I didn't feel like an outsider anymore."

There was a long, comfortable silence between them. Then Reid heaved a sigh.

"I'm sorry, JJ. For all of it. For how mean people can be, and that you found out the hard way. But I'm glad your family fought back. Your parents must be awesome." _Judging by their awesome daughter._

"You know what, Spence? They _are_ pretty awesome. Thanks for reminding me of that." _And for bringing me out of myself tonight._

He smiled at the phone. "So, do you have some hot chocolate in the house?"

"Do you really have to ask?"

"Ha. Okay. Well, I seem to have acquired a taste for it myself. So, we'll each make ourselves a mug of it, and toast across town."

She giggled. "I don't have any whipped cream."

"We'll asked Mandy for a double-double next time. Tonight, I will drink a toast to the Jareau family. All four of them."

Across town, JJ teared up at the 'four'. But she knew she needed to be more circumspect.

"And I'll drink a toast to the amazing Diana Reid, and her son, Spencer."

"Spence."


	12. Chapter 12

**Prelude **

**Chapter 12**

Reid watched as Emily Prentiss was enrolled in the Jason Gideon School of Chess. His mentor's face was animated, happy for the new challenge. And the newest member of the BAU team seemed equally as engaged.

Despite feeling a twinge of jealousy, Reid was glad to have some time alone to himself. He needed to think, to process. So much had happened in the past few months, and he'd been finding it difficult to focus. So, as he'd become accustomed to doing, he'd removed himself to the far end of the plane and laid a book open before him. Only JJ ever seemed to realize it was a sham.

So much had changed for all of them. Beginning, he realized, with the case that had brought his mother to the BAU. Because it had also almost cost Elle her life. And it had definitely cost the female profiler a sense of security. Even in her own home, she hadn't been safe.

_It's no wonder she decompensated. When could she let down? Not in the field. And definitely not at home. Home wasn't safe._

He couldn't imagine not having a safe haven, a place where he could move his thoughts away from the depravity and carnage he dealt with on an almost daily basis. Once he'd realized how Elle must have felt, Reid thanked whatever powers were in charge of the universe for his books, and his music, and his favorite reading chair. And for the ability to sleep at night without the vision of an unsub tainting his sacred space.

He'd known there was something wrong with her the moment she came back. She'd gone rogue on Hotch, trying to bring Reid along with her, all in the guise of trying to help a little boy caught up in a trafficking ring. It had been a low-stakes 'rogue operation', with little chance that anyone would get hurt. But Reid also recognized it as a significant change in her behavior. And he knew it might be a harbinger of more dangerous lapses in judgment. But he didn't know what to do about it.

He was the youngest, least experienced agent on the team. And he was also inexperienced in friendship. Save for the one he had with JJ, and a very few others along the way, all of the relationships in his life had been either too transient or too troubled. But he _did_ have experience with JJ. And she had known how to help him when he'd been in crisis over having killed that unsub. She'd reached out to him, and invited him to talk.

He determined to do the same with Elle. They'd gotten easy with each other over the year or so they'd worked together. But then, the assault occurred. And, when she'd come back, that ease had hardened. _Elle_ had hardened. So Reid had found it necessary to gather his courage before knocking on the door of her hotel room. Once admitted, he found he didn't really know how to go about drawing her out. Too late, he realized that JJ had skillfully used small talk to put him at ease until he was ready to open up. But Reid wasn't good with small talk. He didn't know how to be anything but direct. And so, he was.

Elle was direct as well. But he didn't understand the emotional impact of what she was telling him. Still, he did notice the alcohol, and it troubled him. She was emotionally upset, and now was also dulling her reflexes….and her inhibitions. She'd offered him a drink, which he'd accepted. But he'd had just the one. He could see that it was neither her first, nor her last, of the evening.

And then, the inevitable. Elle had gone off script once again. But this time she included her weapon. She shot an unsub…a rapist. An unarmed rapist, who wasn't in the act of attacking anyone. No one spoke the obvious. They all let the implication of an honest shoot land in the paperwork. But they all knew.

Reid tried to talk to Morgan about it after the fact, feeling like he'd let her down somehow, by not being able to turn her, and yet not involving anyone else. But Morgan had absolved him of responsibility, saying it was all up to Elle. _She_ was the only person who could have stopped her.

Thinking back on that conversation now, Reid smiled to himself. His relationship with Morgan was definitely evolving. When they'd first met, they'd walked wide circles around one another, Reid quite literally afraid of the larger man, and Morgan seemingly afraid Reid's geekiness would prove to be contagious. But they were gradually finding common ground, and mutual respect. And, though neither of them realized it yet, the rudiments of a real kinship.

The next thing Reid knew, Elle was gone. Just….gone. From the team, and from his life. And, although he knew Garcia would be able to track her down, he'd gained enough interpersonal skill to know that it wouldn't be right. That if Elle wanted them in her life, she would reach out. But she wasn't doing so.

In all this time, and despite their friendship, Reid had said nothing to JJ. He couldn't explain it, even to himself….but it would have felt like a betrayal. And so, he kept it to himself.

But then the new agent had arrived. Emily Prentiss. An ambassador's daughter, knocking around several other services within the FBI before landing with the BAU. When she came, Reid was confronted with how much he _really_ didn't like change. It was one thing to lose someone, and altogether another thing to get used to someone new. He started to withdraw a bit from the experience and, in the process, from his team members as well. Until one day in the BAU a few weeks ago...

"Pack your stuff, Spence. Time to go."

It was only four in the afternoon. Reid looked up at JJ, standing beside his desk.

"Time to go where? Do we have a case?"

"Nope."

He was puzzled. "Then what? We can't leave early."

"Actually, yes, we can. We've got so much comp time coming it's not even funny."

"But I've got to finish these files."

JJ took the one he was holding out of his hand and put it back on top of his stack.

"Tomorrow. Come on."

Not sensing a choice in the matter, and completely curious now, Reid did as ordered. He packed his messenger bag and followed JJ to the elevators, and then to the parking lot, where she took his arm and brought him to her vehicle.

"We'll come back for yours later."

Even as he was getting in her car, he quizzed her. "JJ, where are we going?"

She waited until she was pulling out of the lot to answer. "Hot chocolate."

_Oh. She needs to talk. Okay, sure._

Aloud, he said. "Why didn't you just say so?"

She flashed him a sideways glance. "Because I wasn't sure you would come."

He didn't understand. "Why wouldn't I? You know I'm always there to listen when you need to talk."

She gave him a look, and then chuckled to herself. "It's not me who needs to talk, Spence."

From the corner of her eye, she could see the blush rising. But she couldn't tell if he was embarrassed or angry.

"You okay?" she asked.

Not embarrassed. Not angry. _Snarky._

"Apparently not."

At the same time that she was surprised to hear it in his voice, JJ was also aware that it marked a watershed moment in their relationship. He was so comfortable with her now that he could allow himself to be irritated with her, and to show it. But she knew enough not to point out this sign of success to him in the moment.

"Spence." She paused, trying to think of how to say it. "I'm not trying to make you upset. I hope you know that. I just….well, not just me, I think, but…..I've noticed a change in you recently. You're too quiet. You've kind of removed yourself from the rest of us. Even me."

He closed his eyes, going somewhere in his head, making JJ wish she could follow him. She gave thanks when she saw their destination a short distance down the street.

They both exited the car in silence and Reid held the door for JJ to enter the coffee shop ahead of him. Mandy wasn't on shift yet, but Reid's younger admirer was behind the coffee bar. When Reid suggested JJ get their table while he ordered, she declined.

"I'll wait with you. It's not crowded, anyway."

A little voice….a _very_ little one…way in the back of her mind…..said, _Right, JJ. You just feel like waiting with him today. Nothing to do with the pretty little barista. Nope, nothing at all.  
_

When they had their drinks….Reid's with a particularly large mound of whipped cream….they made their way to 'their' table. And then sat in silence for minutes. But this silence felt uncharacteristically strained.

He wasn't making eye contact, and JJ knew she would have to break into whatever part of his head he'd gone to visit.

"Spence." She reached a hand across the table to tap one of his. "Is something wrong? Did something happen? Please tell me. I just want to help."

Both the hot chocolate and the nearness of JJ began to melt something inside Reid. And he was surprised to realize what it was. But he wasn't at all sure he knew how to explain it.

JJ waited patiently now, able to tell from a slight shift in his facial expression that Reid would, eventually, answer. Several more minutes passed before he did.

He started off by staring at the table, hot chocolate in his hands.

"It probably won't surprise you to hear this, but…." He flashed his eyes to hers, and then back down, "…. I don't make friends easily."

He chanced another look, and could see that she was smiling. He offered a soft chuckle at his own expense.

"So, when I do…..I don't let go easily either."

Understanding crept into JJ's eyes. He hadn't shared with her the full extent of his burden over Elle, but she did know that he'd been fond of his fellow profiler. And that, before her trauma, Elle had been kind to Reid. _  
_

The young genius was still struggling to find the right way to explain. But it was requiring an introspection that he'd been avoiding. And what he was learning about himself was difficult.

"So, when Elle left…..it….was hard, I guess. I'd thought we were friends. And I knew she was in trouble. And I tried to help, but….I just wasn't good enough at it. I wasn't enough for her."

JJ squinted at him. "Spence? What do you mean by that?"

He looked at her briefly, and then cast his eyes away, out the window. He explained about his concern, and their conversation, and how he felt like he should have been able to do more. JJ gave him the same advice that Morgan had.

"That wasn't inexperience with friendship, Spence. You did the right thing. It was just that Elle was too…..hurt….damaged by the attack, I guess. She needed a friend, yes. And, from what you've said, she _did _respond to you. You probably helped her more, in that moment, than you know. But she needed a professional, and she wouldn't accept that. You can't take responsibility for it."

He nodded, slowly, eyes back to the table. JJ hadn't had this much trouble getting him to look at her since he'd first arrived at the BAU.

"That's what Morgan said. And….I guess I believe you. I mean, I _do_ get it. But…..I just don't know. I don't feel like a very good friend."

More understanding came to JJ. "You mean….to Elle, or to anyone?"

His silence spoke volumes.

"Spence….you're one of my best friends. No, scratch that. You _are_ my best friend. There's no one I trust more to help me work through things, or even just to know when I'm having a bad day."

Because, she knew, she no longer tried to hide it from him. She kept something of her professional persona up before all of the rest of the team, but not with Reid. It felt good to be able to let down with someone.

He reached across and squeezed her hand. "I'm glad you feel that way about me. I feel the same way."

She sent one eyebrow up. "You do? Because it hasn't felt like it lately."

He was duly chastised. "Sorry." He paused before adding, "It won't happen again."

"It better not." They both smiled at that. Then JJ pushed him further. "So, best friend….I can tell there's more to this. Spill."

This required less reflection on his part. He'd known it the minute Emily Prentiss showed up.

"I hate it when I have to meet new people. I hate knowing that they'll think I'm weird."

It had happened to him all his life. The Boy Wonder. The Baby Genius. The Geek. The Nerd. And many, many, much worse appelations. In Reid's life, most of the new people who formed a first impression didn't bother to stick around to form a second one.

"You think Emily thinks you're weird?"

He rolled his eyes at her. "JJ, I _am_ weird."

He was frustrating her, and she had to take a moment to soothe her temper, and gather her thoughts. _It seems like it's always two steps forward, and one step back._

"Really." She thought a moment more. "Tell me. Is 'weird' the same as 'unique'?

"No, but…"

"No 'buts'. _Everybody_ is unique, Spence. Everybody is different. And we're not in school any more. We're all adults, and we're capable of acting that way."

She saw he was about to protest, and continued hurriedly. "I know you still run into it sometimes. I'm there with you, remember? But those aren't our colleagues who are making those remarks. Emily is different. She's a member of our team. And you have to give her the same chance…the same respect….that you'd like her to give you."

She knew what she said was true. They weren't in school anymore. But it was also true that some of the LEOs they encountered made no effort to hold back their humorless humor about her colleague.

Reid recognized the truth as well. He'd just never looked at it that way. That he was treating Emily the very way he feared she would treat him. He was making unfounded assumptions.

"I'm right, Spence. Right?"

He nodded. "Right."

_Now_ he looked directly at her, and JJ felt a sense of triumph.

"Do you think it's too late? Have I made her not like me?"

JJ smiled at him. "I think she's just waiting to be able to get to know you. Will you let her?"

He smiled back. "I will. Who knows? Maybe we'll have something in common."

* * *

Now, weeks later, he watched his new friend Emily as she played with Gideon. He saw the moves that lay before both of them. And he wondered if she would see. If she would know what to do.

They were returning from one of the most unusual cases anyone in the BAU could remember. A terrorist threat that sorted the team's members into three locations. A bomb that might have cost the lives of two of their number. Reid would never forget the fear he'd seen on his mentor's face at the thought that, once again, he'd lost part of his team. Nor would he forget the relief he's seen when Hotch and Morgan were accounted for, and whole. But, mostly, he would never forget the look of relief and triumph on Gideon's face when he successfully duped the terror cell leader. He'd won. And Reid had been thrilled for him.

Now, the protege watched as his new colleague waged a chess battle with his mentor. He wondered, again, if she would see. If she would know what to do.

Emily sensed his gaze on her, and threw her eyes his way, flashing a brief smile. In that moment, Reid knew what she would do. And he knew JJ had been right. _Sometimes you just have to give people a chance. Especially if you want them to give you one._

He returned Emily's smile and watched as she made her move, and let Jason Gideon continue to enjoy the triumph of his day.


	13. Chapter 13

**Prelude**

**Chapter 13**

"Pen, how was he? Was he all right? He won't answer my calls. I'm worried about him. I mean….he tried so hard to help that boy, and then this happened!"

JJ's anxiety was boiling over. She'd been trying to reach Reid ever since she'd gotten Garcia's text last night. Nathan had attempted suicide, and he would have succeeded had not his potential victim seen Reid's number on a business card, and called for help. This morning, the minute it might have been considered socially acceptable, she was on the phone with Penelope Garcia.

Too late she realized that Garcia, having been with Reid, was probably also traumatized by what they'd both experienced.

"Oh, Pen, I'm sorry! I should have asked about you first." _But at least you're answering your phone._ "How are you doing? Are you okay?" Knowing her friend was not the least bit inured to things the rest of the team so often saw in the field.

"Oh, Jayje, it was awful! That poor boy slashed his wrists, and the blood was pouring out. They said he might have died if Reid hadn't rigged the tourniquets and put pressure on his wounds."

JJ hadn't heard any of the details yet. Hearing them now, she was as relieved to hear that Spence had taken a role in saving Nathan as she was to hear that the boy had survived.

"Penelope, how was Spence? You guys didn't leave him alone, did you?" She already knew that Garcia had gone home with Morgan.

"My dear, sweet JJ….of course we didn't leave him alone! He was with Gideon."

_Gideon! Oh, my God._

JJ had great respect for the man's abilities to get the job done. But she also had great reservation about his relationship with Reid. Especially when the young man was in crisis, as JJ suspected he was now.

Her need to find Reid heightened. On a Saturday morning, she couldn't rely on his work ethic to bring him to the BAU. She was going to have to track him down.

"Pen…I know you're home, but….is it possible you could locate Spence's cell? He's not answering, and I'm worried." _In case you couldn't tell._

She could. "No kidding. Okay, if you don't tell anybody….I might have a program or two loaded on my laptop." JJ could hear her hitting keys as she launched her program. "All right….it looks like the phone is on, so I don't know why he's not answering. He's at…..home. He's at home. Do you need the address?" She'd obviously figured out that JJ would be paying Reid's place a visit.

"No, I've been there before."

"You have?" Garcia's voice made it sound like she was ready to hear some good gossip.

"The football game. Remember?"

"Oh. Right. That." Disappointed that it wasn't juicier. "Well, if you see my baby genius, give him my love, will you? Give him a hug for me."

JJ smiled. "I will. Let's just hope he lets me in."

* * *

He'd just been building some confidence. A successful interview here, a non-violent take-down there, and Spencer Reid had begun to feel like a real FBI agent. Like a successful profiler and negotiator. All to be undone by a high school student.

Nathan had touched him, that much was certain. The young man who was so valiantly trying to fight off a sociopathy that could only have stemmed from mental illness. And who'd actually tried to play the hero by killing himself before he could kill anyone else.

Despite all evaluations and reports to the contrary, Reid had been rooting for Nathan. The boy was so sincerely frightened by what was going on in his mind, and yet still sane enough to realize it. Reid hoped he would somehow triumph over what seemed inevitable.

The parallel was so obvious that Reid couldn't keep his mind from wondering if his mother had experienced moments like that. When she was aware that the voices weren't real, aware that her brain was betraying her. Had _she_ tried to reach out? Had anyone listened? Could she have been helped if it had been discovered earlier? He'd been too young, when his father left, to pose the questions. And she was too ill to give the answers. He would never know.

The morning twilight informed him he'd been up all night, ruminating. He knew sleep was no nearer now than it had been before. He might as well get his day under way.

On his way to the kitchen to start a pot of coffee, Reid walked right by his silenced phone and noticed he'd had a text. Nine texts, to be exact, all but one from JJ. The ninth was from Gideon, who'd messaged, YOU'RE NOT RESPONSIBLE. GET SOME SLEEP.

It echoed what the man had told him last night, when Reid had wondered aloud if he'd done the right thing by saving a likely sociopath, a potential serial killer.

"What if he goes on to kill someone?"

Gideon had dismissed him almost glibly. "If he kills, you'll catch him."

Reid hadn't known what to do with that. He'd been so shaken by the events of the evening, and he found himself latching on to Gideon's every word. But the words hadn't given guidance. Not really. Not anything that resonated with Reid. It shook his confidence further, not finding wisdom in his mentor.

Reid poured his first mug of the day and brought his phone back with him to the sofa. JJ's messages all had a similar theme, but an increasingly frantic tone.

ARE YOU OKAY?

SPENCE, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? I JUST HEARD.

DO YOU NEED ME?

HOT CHOCOLATE?

SPENCE, WHERE ARE YOU? PLEASE ANSWER ME.

I'M WORRIED. PLEASE CALL ME.

SPENCE? ARE YOU JUST SLEEPING? CALL ME WHEN YOU WAKE UP.

I'M COMING OVER THERE.

Reid's eyes flew wide. _Coming over? Here?_

He looked to see the time stamp on the message. Twenty three minutes ago. She could be arriving at any moment.

Quickly, he checked to make sure there were no dirty dishes in the kitchen sink or towels on the bathroom floor. The rest of his apartment was as presentable as it ever got. He'd just finished straightening the pillows on the sofa when he heard the knock on his door.

"Spence? Are you in there? Spence?"

JJ was just about to rap again when her hand fell forward into open space. Reid stood in the doorway.

"JJ."

She made no effort to hide her up-and-down inspection of him.

"You look like you haven't slept." She took mental inventory, and concluded, "You haven't, have you? You're wearing the same clothes you had on yesterday…and…oh, Spence."

His eyes followed hers to the lower part of his vest. Dark red splotches stained much of it. Nathan's blood.

Seeing it brought his inner vision immediately back to the sleazy hotel room, and the sight of the unconscious figure covered in the blood that was now seeped into his clothing. Reid shivered at the spectre.

"Spence?" JJ's voice brought him back into the present. "Can I come in?"

"Huh? Oh, of course! Sorry, I'm …..not quite myself."

_No, you're not._ JJ was glad she'd come.

He stepped back to pull the door open wider and grant her entry. She brushed past him and then waited while he closed the door.

"I smell coffee."

He gave her a small smile. "This way."

He grabbed his own mug for a refill before leading her into the small kitchen. He poured for both of them, and laid out cream and sugar on the table.

When he sat down across from her, JJ started.

"Spence, I was worried about you. Garcia texted all of us last night, but I didn't see it right away. And then, when I did, I started calling you, and texting you….and you didn't answer me. I could only imagine how upset you would be, and I was so worried…."

He shrugged an apology at her. "The phone was on 'silent'. And I didn't see the texts….not until just a few minutes ago. I just needed to think, JJ. I'm sorry you were worried."

This was a new development in his life, having someone who worried about him. As a boy, when he'd needed that someone, his mother hadn't been well enough to fill the role. Since then, he'd gotten used to living a life that could remain unaccounted. It appeared that the cost of relationship would be the giving up of that unaccounted life. If so, he found he was more than willing to pay the price.

JJ had calmed considerably since she'd seen Reid for herself. But she was still worried about him. And he hadn't yet said anything about the events of the night before. She decided to try to draw him out.

"So, have you heard anything about Nathan? Do you know how he is?"

Reid shook his head. "I haven't spoken to anyone since I got home last night."

"How_ did_ you get home?" She knew from Garcia that they'd traveled together to the hotel room, in her car.

"Gideon dropped me off. He showed up at the scene. Come to think of it, I'm not sure how he knew about it."

It was a mark of how thrown Reid had been that he'd not given any thought to how Gideon might have known to come. In some way, Reid had just taken it for granted that his mentor would be there.

"Garcia texted all of us from the scene, Spence. I would have come, but I didn't see the text right away…" She'd been luxuriating in a hot bath after a very long week.

He put up a hand to stop her. "It's not important, JJ. There was nothing you could have done, anyway."

She knew better. "I could have been there with you. That's not 'nothing'."

He smiled at the sentiment, and the earnestness with which it was delivered. "You're right. It's not 'nothing'. But I was okay. Gideon was there."

JJ still wasn't so sure that was a good thing. But she knew she couldn't say so to Reid. He was still far too attached to his mentor. So she went a different route.

"It's good that you had someone there, then. That makes me feel better." _What a stupid thing to say…why would he care if you feel better?_

Reid pushed back his chair so he could stretch his legs. JJ had come to see this as his position of comfort, the one he assumed when he was ready to talk. She'd long since noticed that it also put some physical distance between himself and the person he was talking to.

"Garcia was dragging me out. I wasn't really in the mood...it had been a pretty lousy day, what with Nathan headed off to be hospitalized the next day. But….well, you know how she is."

JJ smiled. She did, indeed.

"So we were just getting into her car when I got the message. It just said that he was in trouble…I had no idea, JJ…no idea. We walked into this scene…..I don't think I'll ever get it out of my head."

He'd stopped speaking, and JJ could see him staring off, undoubtedly back in the hotel room. When his eyes started moving as though in a frantic search for something, JJ broke into his reverie.

"Spence?"

She had to repeat herself, a little louder.

"Spence?"

She knew he'd heard her when she saw him shake himself out of it.

"Spence….you were saying?"

He brought his eyes back to her, and then away again. "He was splayed out on the bed, and….God, JJ, I thought he was already dead. But then I saw the blood pumping. He'd hit the artery on his left wrist, and the blood was just coming out in spurts…..so somebody….I still don't know if it was Garcia or the other woman….somebody gave me a scarf, and I was able to make a tourniquet. And then I just put my hands over the cuts in his wrists and laid on him, as hard as I could."

In a small voice, JJ prompted him. When Garcia had told her the story, this part somehow moved her more than almost anything else. "Pen said you had a hard time letting go, when the EMTs got there."

He was silent for a long moment, remembering.

"I felt responsible, JJ. In that moment, I felt responsible for his life. Like, if I let go, he would bleed out, and die. But…I've been thinking about it all night. And I think I felt responsible for _all_ of it. For how his life was turning out. Because he reached out to me. He did the right thing, didn't he? And I didn't help him."

The eyes he returned to her now were so pathetic, so vulnerable. So full of the weariness of the world.

"You _couldn't_ help him, Spence. It's not that you didn't try. You did everything you could. You can't own the fact that he's sick. It's not his fault….and it's not yours, either."

The thought seemed to make him restless. He got up and walked out of the kitchen, and stood staring out the large window in his living room. JJ was afraid she'd said the wrong thing, as it seemed to have upset him. So she listened intently when he started speaking again.

"He _knew_ he was sick. He had the urges, and he knew they were wrong. So he wasn't so far gone yet. He was…..sort of on a precipice, I guess. He could still see what his normal life looked like….and yet he had to stand there and look down into the abyss….and know that he was about to go over the edge."

JJ had followed him into the living room, and stood behind him, silent, realizing there was something important…..something deeply felt…coming out of him. At first, she didn't understand. But, then, in a voice so quiet she could barely hear him, he spoke again. And suddenly it was clear.

"My mother was only a few years older than Nathan is now when it started for her. I wasn't even born yet. I have no sense of her….of what she was like….before. I don't know what she went through. But….I can't help but wonder if it was similar. If she knew, at the beginning, what was happening to her. If she stood on the precipice, looking into the abyss….knowing there was nothing she could do but fall into it."

He was still standing with his back to her. She couldn't see his face. But she could hear him. When he resumed, his voice was hoarse.

"I can't imagine how scared she must have been, JJ. How alone she must have felt. And then…..and then, the worst thing she could imagine became her reality. She became surrounded by her demons. Every day. Unrelenting. I just…." He was out of words, and could only shake his head.

JJ moved up next to him, and laid a hand on his back, rubbing her support.

"I'm sorry for your mother's illness, Spence. More than I can say. But I do remember how she looked at you when she was here. Eyes full of love, Spence. And she told me herself how proud she was of you. No matter how difficult her life is, you still bring her joy."

He was still staring out the window. "Such as it is," he said pensively. "I just wish I could to more. For all of them. I mean, what good is it being in the FBI if you can't help them?"

JJ thought she caught a meaning in his words that took her by surprise. "Them?"

"All of them. The victims. The unsubs. Most of the misery we see is a result of illness causing catastrophe. And here, we had a chance to help before the illness got so bad. Before a young kid became 'the bad guy'. And we couldn't help at all." He shook his head. "Sometimes I just don't know."

She opened her mouth to speak, but before she could, he carried on.

"And do you know what Gideon said? Because I asked him if I'd done the right thing, saving Nathan's life. I asked if it was right, if Nathan would just go on to kill someone else."

He paused for so long after that, apparently still lost in thought, that JJ had to ask, "And what did he say?"

Reid heaved a huge sigh. "He said, that, if he kills someone in the future…..then I catch him. Just like that. Like it was simple. But it's _not_ simple, JJ. Not at all."

He turned to look directly at her, earnest in his desire to be understood.

"If Gideon is right, it means someone has to be sacrificed. How can that be right?"

She thought she understood his meaning….but would soon learn that she was mistaken.

"Gideon's not right, Spence." Knowing what she was speaking was virtual blasphemy, but speaking it anyway. "It's never right to give up on saving someone." Assuming they were both talking about Nathan's future victim.

But she realized exactly what he meant when she heard him say, in a very quiet voice, "I wish I could save them all. They don't deserve their demons any more than a victim deserves to become a victim."

And, finally, in that moment, clarity. She understood. Reid hadn't joined the BAU to protect the victims. Not for that reason alone, anyway. He was there to protect them all, victims and unsubs alike. His unique window into a life lived with mental illness had served to make him sympathize with the very people so many others saw as the enemy. She was only surprised she hadn't gotten it before. It explained so much of how he behaved in the field. And, seeing it now, she flashed on all the ways it could come to hurt him.

But all she said was, "You're right."

Reid's shoulders sagged in relief. "Thank you. I've been struggling with it all night." Now he let out a huge yawn, and JJ pushed him over to the sofa.

"Sit. You're exhausted."

He patted the seat next to him. "Didn't you say you were up all night waiting to hear from me? You must be exhausted too."

She smiled, and took the seat. "I am, I guess. But I was too worked up to notice it until now."

"I have a guest room. You could take a nap, if you want." Not even realizing that he'd just invited the beautiful Jennifer Jareau to sleep at his place. Because she was no longer 'the beautiful Jennifer Jareau' to him. She was, simply, JJ….his best friend. And maybe something else. Maybe something not quite to be hoped for.

"Thanks, but I can make it home. Just give me a few minutes…and another cup of coffee, maybe?"

He never needed prompting for more coffee. Reid disappeared for a few minutes and came back with two steaming mugs. He'd learned exactly how she liked hers.

They sipped in companionable silence for a few minutes, and then JJ decided to probe on something she'd wondered about for some time now.

"Spence…..why _did_ you join the FBI?" Remembering a distant conversation. _'Gideon saved me.'_

She smiled to herself when she saw him lean back into the cushions, stretching his legs out in front of him. _He's ready._ In a way that he hadn't been, that first time.

"I was at Cal Tech, getting my doctorate in engineering. I'd already gotten the ones in mathematics and physics. " He looked at her, and caught her smile, returning one of his own.

"There was a career fair on campus, and all of the government agencies were sectioned off together in one building. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life…I think that's one reason I just kept getting degrees. I had no home to go back to, and I had no real direction. I couldn't picture myself doing _anything_. I felt…lost, I guess."

And, JJ realized, he'd been all of twenty or so, virtually alone in the world. She marveled, not for the first time, at how he'd managed to accomplish all that he had.

"I didn't even really plan to attend the job fair. I was just cutting through the building on my way across campus. But I saw the sign for NASA, and I thought…..why not?"

"NASA? You mean, you _might_ have been a NASA scientist?"

They both laughed at that, because of the countless times Morgan had been known to say, "It doesn't take a rocket scientist." Upon which Emily would then retort with, "Reid?"

"Yeah, well….it might have been interesting, I guess. I always _have_ had a love of the stars. Maybe I'll get a degree in astrophysics some day, who knows?"

If it had been anyone else, JJ would have taken it as a joke.

"But, anyway, I wandered over to the NASA booth, and started talking to one of the reps. And I started asking him whether they did any work with SETI….you know, the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence. I wanted to know NASA's take on it. Because, to me, it's fascinating. To think that there's other life out there, you know? Something different from here."

JJ recognized the bittersweetness. Fantasizing a life that might be so very different from the one he'd known up until then.

"And…"

JJ noticed he looked a little embarrassed. "And what?"

"Well, I guess I got a little carried away talking about all the possibilities, you know?"

Indeed, she did. She laughed. "And he couldn't stop you?"

Yes, definitely embarrassed. "No, he couldn't. But, when I finished, he suggested I might look into some other line of work."

She couldn't help it, she laughed again. And then tried to apologize, afraid she might have hurt his feelings. "I'm sorry…it's not really funny."

His relationship with JJ had helped Reid to hold himself up to her mirror, and really see himself for the first time. He'd learned to accept his idiosyncracies, mostly because she so readily did.

"Nothing to be sorry about. It didn't seem funny at the time, but I get it now. And, anyway, it was fortuitous. Because a man at the next booth was listening in on the whole conversation."

"Gideon?"

He nodded.

"Gideon was manning an FBI recruitment fair booth?" It seemed preposterous.

"No! He was in town for a symposium, but a good friend of his, a retired agent, was at the booth, and Gideon stopped by. So, you see, it was all fate. We were both there by chance, and…it just…happened."

"So, what did he say to you?"

"He'd heard me tell the NASA rep about my doctorates, and then I guess he heard me offering my own analysis of an article I'd read on the chemical composition of the universe. And he just stopped me as I walked past, and asked if we could have coffee."

"He profiled you."

Reid nodded. "I didn't know what it was at the time, of course. But yes, he obviously did. He could probably tell from my getting multiple degrees that I wasn't very social. And I think he could tell from what he'd overheard that I still didn't have a particular direction in life."

_And he could see with his own eyes how young you were. How inexperienced, _she thought to herself, _how malleable._

"He said he liked my curiosity, that it could be very helpful in his line of work. He wanted to know my background, and my freedom to move across the country. He offered me an opportunity to use my intelligence, and to help people."

On the surface of it, it was all very innocent. Altruistic, even. JJ should have been satisfied. But there was always something that didn't feel quite right, when Gideon was involved. And she was sure she knew what it was.

"Did he tell you about the rest of it? What you would do in the field? What you would see? What you would be faced with every day?"

The reproach in her voice drew Reid's eyes to hers. Having his attention, she asked again.

"Did he tell you, Spence?"

His eyes fell away again, as he shook his head. "No."

_Because he'd wanted his way. _JJ knew it in an instant.

Jason Gideon was a master profiler. During her time with the BAU, JJ had learned that the skill also came with a risk. A master profiler could also become a master manipulator. There had been so many times when she'd watched Aaron Hotchner actively resist the temptation. But, if Jason Gideon had once done the same, he did so no longer. He'd given in. He manipulated. That he should have done so with Spence was, in JJ's mind, reprehensible.

Reid noticed her silence. "JJ? What are you thinking?"

She shook her head. Voicing her concerns about Gideon could only distress him.

"Nothing. Just…..do you ever regret it, Spence? Do you ever wish you'd just kept walking that day?"

He thought for a long minute, staring out at the cityscape.

"Sometimes I wonder what else I would have done with my life. But, really, JJ….he showed me how to give a purpose to it. I was pretty rudderless back then, and he gave me a direction. I meant what I said before. Gideon saved me."

_Or he used you. _

JJ had such mixed feelings about this. In some ways, she thought, she should be grateful to Gideon. After all, Reid had found a place in her heart, and she could no longer imagine doing the job without him being there, in her life, nearly every day. But he'd been so naïve to the nature of the work, so blind to the manipulation going on in his life…..she couldn't help but think of the younger Reid as a lamb being led to slaughter. By Jason Gideon.

Turning to Reid now, she knew she was no longer looking at the same person. That, having had no other choice, he'd matured quickly in his role as a profiler. But she also remembered his distress over killing the LDSK, and now his distress over Nathan. She could see the toll the role was taking on him.

In that moment, she could have no inkling of how much more he had yet to pay.


End file.
